it's ridiculous how small Sabah actually is. when you're off to some place new you're bound to find someone who knows someone that you know. this happened yesterday. so they go, hey so you went to bla3, do you know bla2? then names keep coming up until a familiar name pops up and a connection is established. there's about 20 people where im at now. and i already know that 2 are friends of friends of mine. 2/20. 10%. maybe even more that i have yet to find out about. and this is where you go, "WOW."

my social skills sucks. im well aware of that. so these little things help me deal.  to have something in common with people. it makes things less awkward. if friendships are built based only on first impressions, i probably will have about... zero friends. seriously.

this week was better than last week, i guess. im more comfortable with waking up early. early here means about 7am. and im able to sleep later too. you see, my body is getting used to this and this is good. i mean, i dont want to be spending the next few months sleeping at 11pm. too early. too much like a baby.

in other news, my recent interest in film photography... well... let's just say the results werent as good as i had expected. apparently, i still have A LOT to learn. out of the 24 shots i took. only 4 came out good. the rest, i have no idea what happened to the rest. maybe it was too dark. and... it was pretty embarrassing what happened next. so i told the lady at the place i went to develop those pictures to scan the photos into a CD cause i dont have a scanner. then went there about 3 days later and she asked me if i still wanted for the 4 surviving photos to be scanned into a CD. said no and left. felt like crap. oh and i probably wont go there again. mostly because i had a lengthy discussion with her about film 3 days prior. and then it turns out im a crappy photog.

the lesson i learned: if you dont know something, shut your fucken mouth.

im so tired i cant fall asleep. ok. lie. im so damn tired, i could probably sleep in under 2 minutes if im on my bed. but im not. im in front of the pc. tending my pretend farm. hmm... maybe i am addicted.

this week was probably one of the most tiring weeks of my life. i guess mostly it's because im not used to waking up early every morning anymore. i cant even form proper sentences in my head anymore. am exhausted very.

sothatsitbye.

so with this week ending, one thing is certain. my days of waking up at 10+ in the morning is over. on monday, i'll have to wake up early. and hopefully, the change won't be that bad. at least im ready. i think i am. a new phase of life. hopefully it's good.

one awesome thing, i guess, is the fact that one of my previously unemployed friend, my hi-i-have-graduated-but-i-have-no-job buddy, also found a job at around the same time. which i think is really awesome. you have no idea but i was actually praying pretty hard that she'll get something and she did. she started friday, im starting monday. no more jokes about being unemployed now. that phase is finally over.

in other news, i bought me a new toy. from last entry's wish list. guess which one? im thinking you'll get the right one because i cant really afford (at this moment in time) items no. 2 and 3. so i got me item no. 1. which honestly, is absolutely fantastic. serious. the golden half camera. it's small, it's funky, it's pretty damn cool. im calling it zeb. cos i got me the stripy one and according to the website, it's called the zebra. and yes, these days, i name inanimate objects that i own. it's actually quite fun. just dont let people who dont get you know about it. because it'll probably just solidify their beliefs that you're weird.

 

in other other news,  i have a new friend. her name is sabrina. and she's a black sedan. and... this is where i smile so widely my mouth hurts. 

 

i guess, my last week of being a stay-at-home-college-grad wasnt that bad. it wasnt bad at all. 

6:13 PM

wish list:

1) fisheye2 or golden half camera [rm190+-]

2) flashgun for the canon (canon 430 EX II would be awesome but i probably will only get me one by sunpak or nissin) [rm500-700]

3) canon EF 28-105mm f/3.5-4.5 II USM lens [rm1000+-]

hmm... i guess, photography is an expensive hobby. especially if you're a ridiculously greedy enthusiast like me. so i need to start saving from now. and i will. i will. 

so yeah, i know money is not everything in the world. but people who tells you that money is the root of all evil, those people dont know what being poor is like.

12:39 AM

last week, i spent most of my days out driving. i mean i like driving but not when everyone in the car is yelling. it's... stressful. also, i think im becoming more and more like my dad. and no, i dont think i'll elaborate.

fun fact about my family: nobody talks to anyone. everybody yells. that's how messages get through.

dont wake me up tomorrow. i plan on sleeping in.

by finishing college, i made rm250 today. yeehuu~(<-that's the new way of saying awesome.)

and by next month, i'll be making a living just by going to class. which is pretty neat for me but for other people looking from the outside, they'll probably see me as a failure. oh well. at least it's honest money.

i pretty much am a farmville addict now. what's farmville? well, it's just the most awesome strategist game ever made. okay. maybe not. but it sure as hell is addictive. anyways, so i was playing the game, when the 5yo at home came over and this conversation happened:

5yo at home: mcm mana mo kasi jalan tu org?

23yo at home: tia buli. suda se kurung.

5yo at home: kenapa ko kurung? ko ingat dia ayam ka mo kena kurung??

23yo at home: .....

damn. kids really do say the darndest things.

today, my friend told me something. it sounded so surreal, i took me a while to realized that it was really happening. dont know why but it made me a little sad. i thought change was something i can deal with easily. apparently, i thought wrong. i mean, everything's alright and all but. i dunno. this feels weird.

ive been listening to ben folds' ben folds live album a lot this few days. i bought the album maybe a few years ago but never really took time to play it. then one day, while itunes on shuffle, Not the Same started playing. my first thought was that his interaction with the crowd in that particular show was really awesome. and that made me listen to the whole album. 

in other news, its 2 in the morning and i cant sleep.

i drove around with two friends when this one song came on the radio. i had no idea who it was. the beat was strange. then, one friend said that the song was weird. exactly my inner thoughts. the song i heard was this:

i came home about an hour after the ride, downloaded the song and its been on repeat for quite a while now.

also, the "weird" song is now stuck in my head.

hmm... i think i should really learn how to say no. oh well. maybe it'll be a good thing. who knows.

ok so selling stuff online, i have learned my lesson. rule number 1: DO NOT deal with young, stupid, unprofessional kids. firstly, they'll bug you each day with mundane questions asking things you thought everyone knew. then, they'll give you "important" information when it's too late to do anything about it. like say, AFTER i have posted the item. then they'll threaten you with kiddish threats that you're supposed to be oh-so-scared of. sorry not scared. but i was pissed. and im telling you, im not very nice when im mad.

but then again, maybe i put too much thoughts into these things. i should learn to be more relaxed, i guess. less thinking, more living. i doubt that'll happen soon though. certain habits are hard to get rid of. 

i told my self to maybe do something creative to kill time before this month ends. and i havent done anything. well, actually, i have sketched a few ideas but most are left unfinished. and i dont think i'll be able to finish them. it's weird, you know. but i think other people believe in me more than i do in me. is it a self-esteem issue? i dont know. but i am terrified of failure. and more so in a situation where people are expecting me to do good, and then they see me fall. it's stressful that way. and i dont like that. which is probably why i dont go through many of the things i told myself i would do. because i am too afraid. 

give me time. time can fix everything. that im very sure of.

also i will try to demolish certain labels friends have put on me. people who dont know me, would probably think im bad-ass. probably. but then those who have gotten to know me, well, most of them would probably say im a scaredy-cat loser. not very cool, yeah. im also known as the "distant" friend. the one that dont do hugs and when i do, they'll say it's awkward and insincere. i mean, yeah, i admit im not a very touchy-feely kind of person, but c'mon man, cut me some slack. 

labels suck. so i slowly am going to change it. probably wont work but i promise i'll try.  

i just wrote a long ass post (ok lie. maybe not that long.) and blogspot screwed it up and now it's gone. it's extremely frustrating to have things like that happening. 

oh well. 

in other news, here, look at this. pretty cool, yes?

it's about 12am saturday night. came back about an hour ago from a very tiring trip. my eyes, are literally half open. and all i can think about right now is why wont bloody farmville load properly. FML.

prioritize. maybe i should learn that.

for reasons unknown, some people on Flickr keeps calling me "bro". is it my profile photo? a silhouette of me jumping with the sunset in the background not sexy enough? oh wait. it was never meant to be sexy in the first place. it was meant to be cool. maybe trying to look cool immediately means you're a "bro". oh wait. i dont even look cool in the photo. i just like how it end up looking.

or maybe it's my photostream? can you actually tell a photographer's gender by looking at their work? i know i cant. i wonder how these people who are calling me "bro" do it. amazing, really. i tried correcting a few, but the "bro"s keep on coming. and it's getting tiring, man. not that im assuming you, the reader, a man or anything. that is a figure of speech. oh yeah. maybe "bro" is a figure of speech. but nahh.. ive seen some "sis" in there too. which sounds kinda odd if you ask me.

ive come to the realization that certain kind of relationships do end (im not talking about the romantic kind, just in case you're wondering). like dealing with death, there's 5 stages. with the final one being acceptance. and yeah, it took a while, but im pretty sure im at that stage now.

on a happier note, i have a job. well, not a permanent one, but sort of like freelancing. which i think is awesome. cause it's me doing something i actually really, really like to do. some sacrifices had to be made, but im hoping it'll be an experience i'd like to remember. we'll see. we'll see.

right now, i have about a month to sort things out. about what i really want to do. im thinking about being serious about this freelancing thing. start up a little business. but i need to build up my rep first. i need to know how to do that first.

and i have about one month. because in november im going to start that training program which will hopefully lead me to a steady job next year. and i probably wont have much time on my hands when november comes. so october, i hope you'll be good to me. please.

in other totally unrelated news, my exciting trip to a nearby bird conservatory was cancelled due to heavy rain. ok maybe not heavy but it sure is consistent. damn you rain.

11.24PM

the wind is intense! it'll probably start raining in a few.

september came and now almost gone. september was not a very productive month. i told myself i'll do something about my photos this month and so far, i havent done much. i wanted to join this one competition but kept putting it off that i dont think i want to join anymore. and this is why procrastination is not a good thing.

not having any commitments to anything gave me much time to think. and it's kinda sad what i got out of it. in fact, it's pretty depressing. i found out that i spent 4 years in college without having done even one good project that i was extremely proud of. during one of my (failed) job interviews, the interviewer asked me about my final year project (the project i spent most of last semester on) and told me to explain it to him. i said, confidently, "so yeah there were 4 stages involved..." then my mind went blank. nothing came up. not one damn thing. i remember the background of my program being blue but that was useless information. and im such a bad liar i couldnt lie my way through it. which sucks. big time. in the process, i disappointed myself because i thought i knew it by heart, the whole damn thing, but i didnt. it wasnt a good feeling. at all.

i found out that i have problems channeling out what i really want to say. i have a serious problem with words. i mean most the time, i have this clear vision in my head about what im going to do and say but fail when trying to convey them out loud. i dont really mind when im out with friends because i can just act it out and they'll understand anyway (i think) but in situations where im supposed to act professional and serious, it sucks. so my mission is simple. fix it.

i think it's time to start reading (a lot) again.

the season premiere of the new House season was awesome. it was one of those episodes that you wish everyone would watch because it was that good. for me, at least.

eid was good too. came back a couple of days ago. i have photos in my facebook page. if you're a friend, feel free to have a look. if you're not a friend, i dont think you'll be interested.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri to everyone celebrating. be good. be safe. and hope everyone will have a good time.

sorry if this is going to sound disgusting, but i am amazed at the amount of mucus i have in my system. ive been trying to get them out since about 3 days ago and they/it/whatevs are/is still there! amazing.

now i talk in a whisper. not because it's sexy but because if i dont i'll probably scare some kids into hiding. for a very, very long time.

dear God, make me better. please.

also, im still fasting. being sick during the fasting month = the ultimate test.

now that im down with flu, i finally have time to read. because ive been spending most of my time lying down. the last book i read was sophie kinsella's new book about a week ago. the last book prior to that one i read about a year ago. i have about 4 books that i bought but never got time to finish. i would like to have said that i was lazy but i wouldnt look good that way, wont i?

in other news, i made a stop motion video last weekend. took about 3 days to finish it up. but first, let me show you a video of tegan and sara's walking with a ghost. why? you'll understand soon enough. i hope.

spidey the brave from Josepha D on Vimeo.

this is my third attempt at stop motion. the first which covers a whole song. ok. lie. i had to cut parts of the song because i ran out of materials. and was too lazy to shoot more stuff. it's not that perfect, but im working on it. im hoping to make more of these. better ones. which means i'll be spending more time on the next one. i have no idea what it'll be about though. im still looking for inspirations.

in other other news, im still looking for a job. hopefully, i'll get one soon. i need money to fund more interesting projects. im well aware of that.

same conversation. different reactions.

1st Scenario:
A: kemarin. saya tidur pukul 10! (bangga)
B: Wahhh...

2nd Scenario:
A: kemarin. saya tidur pukul 10... (malu)
B: yai. awal jg.

one A is 5. the other A is 23.

miley cyrus's party in the USA is so damn catchy. ive been listening to it a lot. it's kinda embarrassing, but i cant help it.

i cant really think of anything to say right now. my mind = blank. i dunno. it's one of those weeks when all you can think of doing is disappearing. but you know, this happens a few times each year, so im sure i'll get over it. eventually. and find something worth doing.

one thing i plan on doing this week: be nicer to people around me. hopefully, that will work. maybe it's the stay-at-home-with-nothing-to-do that has gotten into me. but that's pretty much self-inflicted. so i cant really blame anyone. but you know how humans are. it's only natural to play the blame game. when things dont go your way, it's never your fault. i know, cause that's how i am sometimes. sometimes.

hopefully this week will turn out better. it's only mid-week. i just need to keep myself busy.

i've decided to change some pictures on this page. also, i've decided that im a minimalist, that's why i made it this simple. sort of. also, i've figured out that i'm not as good at designing pages as i thought i was.

today was one of those days when everything anyone said just pissed me off. i have no idea why. maybe i was hungry. ive been fasting, you see. but on days like these, you do not want to be my friend. seriously.

tomorrow is a holiday. also, Malaya's 52nd independence day. it's the one day people there pretend that racism does not exist and the whole country is just one big happy family. i dont buy it though. sorry. i've seen first hand how the racist mind works. and it takes more than just some happy tunes on the radio to change how these people think. you might think it's easy, but the ability to accept people for who they are, apparently is quite hard.

most people just could would not accept people who are not like them. and the sad part is, they don't know it. it's the mentality. how they were brought up. and you could not just change that in a day or two. it takes experience. it takes a little mingle around with people unlike your kind. it takes an open mind.

but hey, im not saying everyone there is like that. maybe i am just fortunate/unfortunate enough to know some people who are like that.

i have another interview tomorrow. but this one will be alright. i think.

in other news, there isnt any other news.

most the time, i dont want to know if you're hungry and you want to eat KFC. i dont fucken care if it's raining where you're at. or if you're so head over heels in love with your guy/girl.

i wish there is a dislike option. that would probably be my favorite. im sorry. i just dont want to know.

so i graduated a couple of weeks ago. 2, to be precise. and it was oddly very nice. i mean, i went to one of my friend's about two years ago and had no idea why they were so happy about it. it was basically just standing outside in the hot sun. a hell lot of waiting. pictures. flowers. and then, it's over. i didnt understand it then. and i still didnt, until the day itself came.

it was weird. but i was honestly happy. no idea why. it was such a feel good day. and im glad it was. my parents were there and 2 friends made time to come. it was a good. it felt good. another friend will be graduating in october and im thinking of playing photographer this time. and im hoping to make it more of a gig. this is me trying to be more serious about the things i love doing.

in other news, im still searching for a job. but im being more serious this time. and i have to lower my expectations since im back home now. not in kl anymore. i have a couple of interviews lined up already. so i guess it's a good start.

well, not really true. i actually went through one last week, and it was horrible. and it was for a pretty big company and i made a complete fool of myself. and this where i sigh loudly.

but you know. shit happens. and people move on. im gonna do just that.

so i have been traveling a little the past month. and i have been alright. well, until last friday, i got sick. prior to that particular friday, i was making jokes and keep telling everyone who would listen to me how paranoid asians are for being so into this h1n1 case. the swine flu. how there's deaths. how everyone's gonna die and all. and how i will bring it to them because i was traveling so much. the paranoid asian mind is simple, airport = swine flu. somehow, the reaction from everyone, well, it irritated me so much. i made jokes about it.

then friday came. and i got sick. and all i had in my mind was this: i will NOT make jokes about any type of sickness anymore. not ever. not this lifetime.

i had all the symptoms. my body was aching. my throat was basically dead. i had flu. i was cold. then warm. then cold again. and my head was just feeling weird. but then again, i dont really know what sick is. my definition of sick is throwing up until there's nothing left inside of you then continue to look like death the whole day. i wasnt throwing up. and i wasnt looking like death, yet. so i guess i was still okay.

on sunday, i went to see a doctor. her name was Doreen. or whatevs. that little bitch's name is not important. all i know is that she was extremely rude. and acting like an ass the whole time i was in there. with my mom. my mom went in with me. well, she was mostly rude to my mom cause being the typical asian mom, mom asked a lot of questions. i was quiet because my head was feeling weird. and i dont normally speak if i have someone else talking for me. that's how i work, i guess. but had i been in a better condition, i would have thrown a few sarcastic remarks at her. she was telling us how h1n1 is no longer considered a threat. it's been a month and it was on the internet. then she said something like, "have you not read it on the internet bitch?". okay. minus the bitch part. but with her tone, she might as well add that to the end. so yeah, i might not be "smart" enough to be a doctor, but you dont have to be so condescending. i dont like the way you talk to your patients, you idiot doreen.

so i got home not knowing if i am h1n1 positive or not. and here's the fun part. i came back home and michelle was supposed to be back that day. but she wasnt. then i saw that my popo was missing. so i asked, "where she at yo?" (not exactly the line i used). and my sister was like, "oh she went back to *******".

.....

awesome. my family is the best.

so friends, that is how they show that they love you around here.

i guess i havent been giving this page much attention these days. it's been a month since my last post. i got lazy. and pretty much lost interest in living. so i stopped writing. because i found nothing worth writing about.

also, i was in the uk for a month. and uk was good. i really like it in the uk. i like how everyone is so polite over there. or maybe i was just lucky to have stayed in a place where everyone was just ridiculously nice to each other. i dunno. but what i can say after the month long trip is, after that experience, im pretty convince that i can travel alone to any place in the world and survive. yeah. pretty damn sure about that.

summer 2009- awesome. i hope i'll get to do something like that again some time in the future. probably not in the near future though. i need to find me a job first.

technically, im going back to school next week. only i wont be staying for school. just a couple of days for my graduation. then i promise, i'll start to be more serious in my efforts to find a real job. cause right now, i feel like im the only person in my graduating class without a job. or a plan. and i cant really complain about it because well, it's pretty much self-inflicted. but really. i need to get a job. i will get a job. before year's end. i hope.

will be embarking on a long lonely journey in a few hours. hope all goes well.

and yeah, im actually ready for the worse case scenario.

adieu pour maintenant.

i feel like crap.

i try to stay humble but i never think before i say

last week was awesome. this week. well, today was crappy. had a pretty bad day today. and when i got home, i got a splinter in my right foot. and it took about 30mins to get it out. luckily, it's out. so that's one less worry.

after today, i thinking about spending about 5 days at home and just be on my own. catch on some reading. clean my room. unpack the many boxes i have downstairs. mop the floor. vacuum. reply proper emails. and maybe start thinking about the future.

im thinking. im thinking.

just came back from the WORST wedding reception. ever.

sorry.

im just being honest.

it’s a beautiful world I see, everything looks differently

i realized not too long ago, to change your life, you have to change you. but hey, im not going to go all philosophical on you. i just thought i'd write that down. putting things from your head into prints, fonts, letters, somehow make it real.

i think i've lived most of my life as a coward. i almost never take any chances and most the time, i never finish anything that i promised myself i would do. and it's frustrating. sometimes, i feel like my lack of interest in just living this life is ridiculous. at 22, i still wonder why im here. and i honestly think that's a problem. a problem which i dont really know how to solve. 10 minutes later, im sure i will forget about this. which does nothing but keep the problem in my head. and me having to think about it again tomorrow. or later tonight. i guess the real problem is the fact that i almost never want to solve anything that i dont know the answer to.

maybe this is why i am more comfortable with science and maths. the promise of a definite answer.

im still trying to figure myself out. is it a little too late? i really dont know. ive seen people around me grow. me, i still have no fucken idea. i see people around me having goals, knowing what to do, me, still no fucken idea. im a little jealous of them actually. ok lie. im very jealous.

you know what i want? a journey. just something to show me what i should do. i just want to go out on my own and do a little soul searching. yes, i know that sounded very lame. stupid. but you know what, i dont care. if i have to be lame and stupid to know what i have to do next, then i will be just that.

a wave of emotion. me. right now. i cant really let it out. terrible. terrible feeling.

i meant to post this earlier but i got lazy.

my week old towel

from this picture alone, almost all strangers would assume that im a guy

that little thing on the left saved me from mosquito bites most nights

clothes. that failed to dry properly outside.

i have two pillows. i only got the second one when my sister moved and wanted to get rid of things.

trolley. many times it saved me from going up and the down the elevator many times. it's not mine.

empty kleenex box

matric card holder. i stopped wearing it during my final semester as a student. i decided to keep my student card in my purse. for many reasons. i think students should know what they are.

toothbrush. toothpaste. shampoo. soap. face wash.

this kept me going

4-year-old laptop. crappy phone. music player.

adieu. college life.

i meant to post this about 2 weeks ago. seriously. i got lazy. i didnt feel like doing anything. all i wanted to do was lay in bed all day. i really need to sort some things out. at this moment in time, i seriously have no idea where my life is going.

depressing. man.

when life sucks, watch 30 rock.

the fleas had a splendid feast. and i suffered.

adieu

today i am going home.

to be really honest. im a little sad that i will be leaving this place. i thought i wouldnt be, but apparently i am.

my room is almost empty now. and i have a feeling that i have to pay a little something something for my bags later today.

the next time i write will never be from this place again.

i just realized that.

im not too sure what i just did. but now, my linux partition is gone. i may have a new 9GB partition and my computer is sort of like new. the insides anyways. physically, it's ancient.

these days, i dont think. i just click.

here's hoping that i didnt do too much damage.

where all the good people go?

one more week before i could breathe the sweet sweet (polluted) air of a place called home.

this is the longest ive been away from home. and it's only been 3 months!

i already made plans for at least the first 3 weeks of me being home. just so i wont die of boredom. i doubt i will but i like plans. im not a very spontaneous person, really. im just hoping that i would be able to execute the plans accordingly. i have a little personal project going on right now. just hope it'll turn out okay. timing is everything. and i hope i'll manage. will talk about it more when i can talk about it more.

most people have already left so it really is beginning to get really quiet here. but the elevator dont smell that bad anymore. and the trash bin dont look as bad as it did maybe just 1 month ago. but the cats are getting hungrier. i can hear them fight. i dont like cats. even more so when they are fighting each other.

this place is getting weird and i just want to get this over with.

today. is not a good day. at all.

i remember when i could talk about anything

im tired of this place. i really, really want to go home. so many things i could say to justify this. but i probably wont. i dont see the point of making the last few weeks of life here harder. so, im going to put it at the back of my head. put on a smile. and live.

---

it's weird but one of the things that i really, really fucken miss is well, speaking like i would at home. using my normal slang, normal pace and all. here, i have to slow it down a little so that people could understand me. and i have to change the sentence structure a little. but, you know, when in rome, do as the romans do.

i just want to have a conversation with someone that i could speak normally to. and not on the phone because i dont like phones. i think i mentioned that about 239 times already. and i probably will keep mentioning it. sorry.

---

yesterday, one of my photos made it to the Explore page on Flickr. and to be honest, when i started Flickr, that was probably my main goal. my dream. my motivation. so, i saw it, felt this strange happiness, it lasted about a minute, then it was gone. and i thought to myself "now what?"

first time! , originally uploaded by iamjos86.

i get by life by having something to obsess on. one day i would obssess something, then the moment would pass, and i would have something else to keep me distracted. i get bored easy. and i guess so far it's been doing me good. i think these little obsessions i have every now and then, keep me sane. i could have died from boredom a long time ago if i didnt have them.

to be really honest, i guess inside im just a very scared kid. im scared of life. sometimes i feel like i dont know the purpose of this life. and that is scary. cause that thought right there could lead me to be very fucked up inside. and i know that. so i distract myself with things.

so right now, my current obsession is photography. it makes me happy right now. though i dont really know how long this one will last.

Change

change is inevitable. as i sit here alone thinking about the past and the might have beens, i thought about it. as hard as i have tried i know that that is somewhere i wont be able to go again. after so long trying to avoid it from ending, i know now that i cant. these days, ive stopped trying.

and i think it's one of the greatest favors i did to myself.

no title no.19

as the sun shines down , originally uploaded by iamjos86.

so this is the end but i am still here. this week was somehow very tiring. wake up early, go to the lab, sit for long hours listening to database theories, have lunch, go back to the lab, lab ends, have dinner and by the time the sun shines down, ive become so tired, i havent been able to do much of the things i promised myself i would do. like the first thing: clean my fucken room.

ive been sleeping no later than 1AM the last few days. and that is early.

here's to a great weekend. i will be away for a few days. hope it'll do me some good.

warning: long post ahead

i thought when all of this is over, i would feel some sort of joy that i have never felt before. i dont feel that joy. and i doubt i ever will. now that this is over, im pretty sure i'll miss it. either i'll admit i do or pretend i dont. but im sure somewhere deep down i will miss this place. i spent 4 years here. that should at least mean something to me.

if i could put one word to this experience, that word would probably be growing. i find this 4 years more of a growing experience than anything else. the person who came here 4 years ago is definitely not the same person leaving here in 1 month's time. maybe you see it, maybe you don't. but i can definitely feel it. i know.

growing up, ive been more of a follower. and i was comfortable with that. zero stress, you dont have to think for a group and well, the blame will always be on someone else. also, i hate responsibility. here, i learned to handle it. without actually wanting to. every semester, we are assigned to at least one group project. and being in a group means working together. unfortunately, working in groups frustrates me sometimes. it seems that everyone refuses to be in charge. afraid of blame. afraid of God knows what. or perhaps just plain lazy. and this is when i learned that if i dont do something, the group will probably end up not doing anything.

they need orders. they need someone to tell them what the hell to do. i really dont want to but if i dont say or do anything, i probably will go down with them. and that is not who i want to be. so i learned. how to take charge. responsibility. unfortunately, as hard as i tried, i dont think i taught them anything about this.

this frustrates me because i've always thought that we have passed that phase when we left high school. you know the phase where we wait for someone to tell us what to do. in college, i rather we think. we discuss. and do what we think is right. not wait for orders. not wait for an example to copy. it's incredibly frustrating. yes, i know. i keep repeating that word. my vocabulary sucks.

as friends, i respect and genuinely like these people. i just dont agree with their work ethics. i think they give up too easily. so this is kind of hypocritical, i know. but we need to be able to differentiate work and play. so no, you can't always be the good guy. i seriously dont enjoy doing it, but you know, someone has to.

i could continue ranting about this but i doubt it'll do me any good. besides, ive been telling close friends about this one time too many. if you have heard about this, consider yourself to be in my circle of good friends. i think i told about 3 or 4. i dont have many close friends unfortunately. i have some sort of trust issue.

in 4 years, i also learned that it is not that hard to actually talk to people. back then, when we eat out my dad will sometimes purposely ask me to ask for the bill or for toothpicks or something, and i'd flat out say no. giving stupid excuses i cant remember. he knows that i hate interacting with people. so mostly when i want something, i'll be through my mom. or my brother. or my sister. anyone but me. these days, if i want something, i'd go get it myself. oh and yeah, i used to be very afraid of calling Pizza Hut for a delivery. so normally, i'd pay and my brother would call. now when i think about it, i feel like an ass.

maybe living here on my own did me good after all.

though sometimes it gets pretty lonely here, i learned to deal. and going out wasnt much of an option when you dont have a car. i hate public transport. and i didnt have this car im using now until last year. but even when i did, going out wasnt much of an option either because all these kids here somehow dont like to go out. i have no idea why. and then around February, i got busy and time somehow flew extra fast.

this is going nowhere it seems. so i will stop here.


college life, goodbye for now.

no title no.18

[House M.D. spoiler alert]

just watched the House episode where Kutner killed himself. incredibly sad.

[end spoiler]

in other news, im officially done with school now. only one more presentation to go and im done for real. but then i still have to go through a 1 month database course so i'll still be attending classes (or rather, labs) until late May. but it's all good. at least it's 1 subject unlike a semester where you cram everything into that 1 semester.

im listening to pete yorn now. and its making me feel incredibly sad.

brand new day

for the first time in such a long, long time, i know. i'll be okay.

no title no.17

of all the semesters ive spent here, i feel like this is my weakest semester. now that this is almost ending, i feel so unmotivated. i have 3 papers more. and i am not studying like im supposed to. and i know i might live to regret this my whole life but here i am wasting my time. i find it so hard to laugh or to smile these days. seriously. i force myself to sometimes just so i wont go insane. i dunno man. this just feels so hard now because it's so close to the end. whatever the hell that means. and im going to miss this probably. being able to complain about school is basically indirectly saying that im still young. after this is over, i wont have this anymore.

next week. i only have 1 more week to go through and this will all be over. hope. that's all im counting on these days.

a story about a 47 year old lady

for the people who keeps coming back here to read updates and then be disappointed because most the time, all you get is a 1 line story, thank you. really, i thank you.

so, to entertain all 2 of you today, i will post a video. a video so amazing, it brought tears to my eyes the first time i saw it. and im not even kidding. to be honest, i cant think of any other songs that made me teary-eyed and all. but there is a possibility that the things that are happening in my life right now made me this emotional. not sure. these days, i dont even have time to stop and think about life. the little free time i have, i spend sleeping, watching tv shows and sadly, facebook.

regardless, this lady is amazing. the way the video was edited is awesome too.

oh damn. i cant embed the video here. oh well. click here. i swear. you will not be disappointed.


[after you've watched the video, continue reading this part]

and that is why you dont judge a person by how they look on the outside kids.

no title no.16

the fastest week of my life has ended. technically, it ended yesterday when i submitted my group's Java project report. now, all i have to do is answer 4 papers in the next two weeks and do a final presentation of my final year project and my life as a college kid will officially be over.

wow. after almost 18 years of being a student. after 18 long years of classroom learning. wow.

i dont really know how to feel now. i want it to end because im tired of it already. but i dont want it to end because im afraid of life. pathetic. i know. but i'll deal. hope you will too.

some people simply refuse to use their fucken heads to think. i have no fucken idea what they fucken use it for.

no i will never let this break me

outside, originally uploaded by iamjos86.

outside, i stared through the windowpane
outside, i think about my future plans
my entire life now has come to this
im so very scared to take the risk
will i be alright will life be good
im not too sure i just hope that it would

no title no.15

i feel so tired. just so very tired to the point that i dont think i laugh again. kinda depressing for now. but im sure i'll get over it.

i know i will.

i think.

in other more depressing news, i got a ticket today. kena saman. for something i did not do. it's a first. and now that's ive done some research, i think the bastard who issued the ticket was well, a bastard. because my friend who was using the car said she left the ticket right there on the dashboard. and yes, i remember seeing the parking ticket on the dashboard when i got my car back.

unfortunately, im way too tired to make a fuss of it all. i still have about 3 projects to work on. and it's all due next week. so im gonna have to let this one go. this is probably the reason i feel like crap today.

no title no.14

sometimes, all i really want is for someone to tell me that im going to be okay. that would be nice.

oh well.

rant no. 3

call me a skeptic but i think the only reason kids are doing Earth Hour is because the other kids are doing it. it's the cool thing to do. im pretty sure at least 70% of them dont even know why they're doing it.

i mean, these kids, they go to classes and leave their pc on. they leave the room with the fan on. they sleep with the night light on.

how in hell is switching the lights off (only the lights) for 1 damn hour (only) going to save the world?

sorry. just had to let that out.

and no. im not going to be a part of it. i dont believe in doing things i dont believe in.

i rather "save" the earth in other ways. like not smoking. like putting trash inside a trash can. like actually switching off my pc when im not using it. and the fan. and not using a night light.

rant no. 2

3.47 PM

se rasa cam mo muntah.

rant no. 1

shit. punya main byk pula kerja mau buat. shit.

i spent the whole day doing nothing when i should at least be doing any one of my four on-going projects.

no title no.13

note to self: not talking about it will not make it disappear.

---

in other unrelated news, today is my dad's birthday. they celebrated last Saturday, having the big family and friends over for roast lamb. i couldnt make it home unfortunately. same like my brother. and my sister. and my brother-in-law. and my nephew.

mom said the party was great.

hmm...

---

today i'll do Java. tomorrow i'll watch the new survivor and check up the Matlab codes. Friday i'll do the SQL injection slides. the weekend is for the SMIL assignment and some report writing. when Monday comes, i'll worry about the 3 tests i have that week.

i. cannot. wait. for. May. to. come.

seriously.

what?! it's March already? woah...

i spent most of the day killing flies with a chopstick, fishing (well, mostly just staring at a screen) and tapping a screen. who knew screen tapping could be addictive? i surely didnt.

this time last year, i made myself believed that ipods are overrated. and that i would never get myself one. later that july, mom gave me a 2nd Gen ipod nano after i continuously begged her for it. it was disguised as a late birthday present. but she and i both know that i dont celebrate birthdays. not really anyways.


then later that year, i upgraded the nano to a touch (1st Gen unfortunately and only because it was on sale). and this thing, is so much more awesome. i gave the nano to my brother. i know i know, that it's a birthday present but not using it would be a such waste. besides, i give all my outdated tech stuff to him (also gave him my old canon when dad got me the newer canon. lucky bastard, no?)

but i never really got around to play with the touch because i was busy so it was basically just a music player. until today. today i finally got around to fix it (if you know what i mean) and now i have applications!

whatever i said about ipods. i take back. for now, it's one of the the most awesome things i own.

really.

slumdog millionaire

ive just watched slumdog millionaire a couple of hours ago. i was curious. that movie won so many awards. i was curious.

warning: spoilers!

so, the movie was... alright i guess. i just finished the book the movie was based on a couple of days ago*, so i was kinda hoping that it would resemble the book more. that coming from the selfish reader in me. i mean, c'mon, the name ram mohammad thomas is way cooler than jamal malik. and i hated how they made salim into a bad guy in the movie. he was such a good guy in the book. i guess the movie was based loosely on the book because they changed the story line way too much.

also, i expected them to burst into a song and dance at least a few times. they didnt. it wasnt that kind of indian movie. which was fortunate for me. because i dont really like that kind of indian movies. and i thought the kids did a pretty good job. especially the youngest version.

ok. so i suck at reviewing movies. so. hmm.. go watch. it's a pretty decent movie, i must say. at least it kept my eyes on the screen. so it's good.

end of spoilers

ok. now im going to continue writing my case study. it's due this friday and i have about 3 paragraphs done. i feel like a fraud. you may or may not understand this.


* slumdog millionaire, previously published as Q & A by Vikas Swarup was the first book i managed to finish this year. i started about 3 other books the past 6 months or so and never managed to finish them blaming my lack of leisure time. i dont remember the titles but i know one was from alice sebold (not the lovely bones. the orange one. i cant remember the name), augusten burroughs' a wolf at the table and david sedaris' first book (also cant remember the title. the one with short stories. i had to force myself through half of them. im sorry. but i much prefer stories about his family and his life).

lost

i am exhausted. mentally. its not a headache, not migraine but my head just feels a little weird. i took a nap just then. only for a while because i dont normally take naps in the middle of the day because i just dont. so i slept. a while. and started having weird dreams. im not even sure if they were dreams. or hallucinations. or whatever the fuck they were. then, i thought/dreamt about Lost. and i couldnt remember what Matthew Fox's character was called in the show. i remembered John Locke. Sawyer. Charlie. but not his name. the doctor. what was his name? then i got a little headache and felt really really strange. then, i remembered. Jack, silly. Jack.

im not sure if this is caused by my never-ending flow of assignments or that iced tea i drank. though technically, it's just tea because it's not iced anymore. and maybe i should mention that it was from yesterday. and it tasted weird. but i drank it anyways. maybe it was that. and now my stomach dont feel too good either.

tonight im going to try and start working on my second case study this semester. and really, seriously look into my program. there's a bug. and i've been telling myself that i'll get it fix before this weekend ends. and as of now, i still havent. but i'll definitely do it tonight. really. i will.

i hope.

a story about somebody

i went bowling last night. the final score was probably one of the saddest in bowling history. seriously. but since i dont really play bowling, it's okay. i guess.

but that is not the story. the main story here is about that one particular lady. manning the registration counter. of that particular bowling alley. she's a [insert a word that means ugly fat-ass bitch but sounds more polite here].

seriously.

so i went up the counter asking some questions, to that lady. that [insert a word that means stupid but sounds more polite here] lady, she wasnt doing anything at first but then she started talking on the phone. and when she was done with that, just sat there ignoring me. a customer. and her crazy eyes were looking at everything and everywhere except me. or maybe she was looking at me. i can't really read crazy eyes (a more polite subsitute untuk mata juling), you know. but it was really, really hard to get her attention. and it's stupid, you know. cause i was there to help them make money. and she's treating me, a good customer, like shit. oh man. i would have left right there and then but i was with friends so i decided to just along and be nice.

oh man. i think im becoming more and more like dad now.

oh man.

about projects. and making progress.

suddenly, im feeling pretty awesome. at 1 in the morning, im staring at scary looking eyes and im feeling pretty awesome.

life sure is weird.

or maybe the fact that i made a lot of progress the last couple of hours is making me feel this way.

either way, im feeling pretty good. i think i can go sleep now. im not making sense to you anyway.

no title no.12

all talk and zero substance. it gets tiring after a while.

no title no.11

suddenly, i feel like a fucken genius. a genius i tell you!

the feeling you feel when you just solved a problem that's been haunting you for days, weeks, is so fucken awesome. i wish i could scream it out loud. but that would just be annoying. so this will have to do.

now, i just have to figure out the other 75%.

no title no.10

my head feels like it is going to explode.

i know i know i know. most everyone in class is going through the same damn shit but man, this shit is tough! im counting days. i want this shit to be over but at the same time, im hoping that time would freeze so that i have more time to work on this. strange. very strange indeed.

im just hoping that i come out of this sane. seriously.

salut mon ami

i had a little discussion with my supervisor last friday. my program is almost done. but now that i know that she knows that i have made progress, the motivation is gone. i was scared shitless last week. but now that i've gotten around and talk to her, all the fear is gone. along with the motivation. i could have been done with it this weekend. but im not done with it. i could have spent the weekend working on the program so i could focus on my other small projects the next 6 weeks. but instead, i spent the weekend watching Grey's Anatomy and Lost. Lost is awesome by the way.

last Friday was also Friday the 13th. last Saturday was valentine's day. today is Sunday. and tomorrow the weekend ends. im not trying to say anything here.

so last Friday out of pure boredom, i took my tripod out and went outside to take some photos. light trails. i always wanted to try them. when i got back to my room, the tripod still in its extended length, my roommate and a friend of hers who was in the room started staring at me. they asked me what i shot. i said the view. then they asked again, "what's your final year project again?" i gave out a nervous laugh. said no, it's just a hobby of mine. i take photos.

Serdang, Friday the 13th 2009

they must think im weird now. oh wait. they probably have always thought that about me. oh well. well, i know. i know. im not very good with people. im trying though. at least i still have friends who think im alright. i think.

le jour de valentine je me suis étendu dans le lit en position foetale due aux crampes d'estomac. ok. peut-être pas en position foetale mais celle a retenti plus dramatique. aussi, ceci ne peut pas même être grammaticalement correct mais j'utilise libre online traducteur et c'est le meilleur que je pourrais monter avec.

and what the fuck was that? my new hobby, i guess. it takes the stress of my head. besides, it's kinda fun. also, it was valentine's day yesterday. Français est sûrement plus romantique que Anglais, ne convenez-vous pas?

have a great week kids. i hope i wont be too busy.

give you hell.

for days i've been trying to find the all american rejects' gives you hell video. fail. at least on youtube i failed. i mean there are links but apparently, "this video is not available in your country. skipped to next video available." what the hell, right.

but, i did, however, found something even more cool. their version of womanizer. here:

dude. this. version. is. awesome.

i especially like the props they use. oh so very cool.

for me at least.

you and i. we're a gang of losers.

mob wars is good fun. so, i suggest you be my friend so you can be in my mob.

then i'll quietly delete you from my friend list. because that way, im gansta brotha.

though they might not actually say it like that. oh well. and here are a few exciting things that may, will, would, could happen when you play mob wars. im basing this on personal experience.

first, grandma doris attacked me. being an old lady, she lost. then she punched me to get even. i didnt punch back. i mean, she's an old lady! how could i...

but then, i killed christians.

ok. maybe not as exciting. in fact, pretty wrong.

seriously.

in other more exciting news, im making progress. for my project, i mean. good progress. so, i might be okay after all.

this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

sometimes, i feel like i have forgotten what it's like to write. i mean, to actually write. sit down. pour my heart out into a blank sheet of paper. electronic paper. whatever you kids call it these days. i kinda miss it. really.

but then again, i found out that everytime i find time to actually sit down and write, my mind fails me. so im left sitting down, hand on keyboard, mind empty and unable to write. then, i think about all the things that i should be completing and panic a little. then after maybe, 5 minutes of contemplating, i'd close the window. pressing the red x.

but not today. not today my friend.

i find 2009 to be a very... it's a very different year. thus far, it has been. ive got to be honest and say that i am afraid of this year. because i have no idea what i want to do yet, when im all done with this academic business. well, i actually know what i want. but when i say it out loud, people think it's some kind of joke or something. mostly because they dont see me in those things that i say.

truth is i want to do at least these two things in life. first, at least make 1 movie. short, full-length, i dont care. at least one. my family thinks it's stupid. and they question my interest. my brother asked, the other day, "if you're so interested in making movies, why aren't you watching much?" truth is, because im lazy. and i also like to think it's because im busy. so that could be my downfall. but really, i enjoy watching french films. not to sound pretentious or anything. but i honestly like the cinematography and the quietness in french films. i guess my lack of interest in most things seem to show more than my actual interests.

secondly, i kinda want to be a comedian. yeah. that would be awesome. unfortunately, i may have forgotten the part where i have to be funny to be a comedian. i'll work on it. seriously. i mean haha. at least i know i can make a 5-year-old laugh. now i just have to up the demographics. next year i'll start with 6-year-olds.

but truthfully, what i want to do now is panic. in fact, im almost panicking. almost. maybe i'll start panicking after this. mostly because of a certain news i got. my supervisor want results next week. and i am still way behind. which means, this weekend will be all about irises. seriously this time. seriously.

in other news. i have been listening to a lot of cheesy love songs these couple of days. and even more songs about depressing heartbreaks and losing the one you love. i dont even know why. maybe secretly im a romantic. maybe.

and i say yes, i feel wonderful tonight...

the short holiday is over. in less than 12 hours, i'll be flying back to KL. and then, im sure the next few months won't be very nice to me. i probably won't panic yet. maybe next week i will. when i realize how far behind i am from my schedule. work should (supposedly) be easy. but starting work is definitely hard. i dunno. working this way is definitely unhealthy. but i cant help it.

but, im glad that the few days i get to spend at home was good. im sure gonna miss a lot of things. the bed. the aircon. the food. the time wasting. the singing (mostly screaming) sessions. and most importantly, the people. im gonna miss the people the most. that, im very sure of.

hope i'll get through the next 3 months alright.

RIP

a friend texted this morning. telling me that another friend's dad just died. i have to be honest, i was never really close with the friend. but with those few lines on my cellphone, my heart was filled with a sudden sadness i just cannot explain.

even after experiencing death of someone close, i still dont know what to say when these things happen. i thought hard how i felt that year. when it struck me, i didnt exactly know how to feel that time either. even after a few years, i still dont know.

it's a moment when you just suddenly stop thinking. and your mind, suddenly empty. and... it's not the best feeling in the world. that, i can tell you.

my condolences.

al-fatihah.

and if u see her, tell her its over

if you know that Weezer song, you're cool. it's been stuck in my head since morning. probably because it was the first song i heard when i woke up this morning. i just realized that it's awesome in a sing-along kind of way.

somebody's been calling my phone today. i dont recognize the number. so i wont answer. anyway, if it's important, she/he could have left me a text or something. when i told you that i hate phones (and phone calls), i wasnt joking. so, no. i dont really give a fuck about phonecalls. unless if im expecting a call. probably you wont agree with me here. but you know, you have your way and i have mine.

anyways, it's chinese new year. and my mom's not back and brother only got back after the big dinner so it was all very low key and all. but still, dinner was good. im not as rich as i had hoped for though. mom's side of the family is pretty small.

also, i got me a new toy.

i present to you, the world through the eyes of my new toy.

this is michelle. one afternoon, she called me "best friend". the next hour, she was shouting and screaming and sticking her tongue out at me. also poking me when she gets the chance to. oh and this is her pretending to be a monster.

cant really see but this is graffiti the game. apparently, friends are addicted. and im awesome at it (but only when the connection is good).

only in Malaysia. no kidding. and no, i dont know what it taste like, yet. im planning to get some friends try it first.

i really like this one.

donuts and milk+milo. this was breakfast. and lunch. dinner was much heavier.

some plant. im not sure if this is a flower or some herbs or just leaves. i dont know.

now, i know your world.

my grandad's beat up car. the trooper.

in the car from the airport. KK city at night. (15 seconds exposure)

finally, Happy Chinese New Year kids.

i might not be able to fix things but i'll try

without wanting to, i have been collecting bruises and scars the last few weeks. some, i dont even know how i got them. there's this 1 and a half inch (yes, i measured) scratch on my right leg i found one morning when i woke up (only realized it because it stung a little when i was in the shower). a pretty obvious purple bruise on my left thigh from stupidly slamming into a plastic pipe. hard. and some blood clot on my big (right-foot) toe from playing futsal. apparently, there are two ways to kick a ball. the correct way and the wrong way. the latter causes unwanted injuries.

but you know, though theoretically they should be causing pain, none of them actually hurt. physical pain is so much better than non-physical ones. i learned that some time last year.

it's true. really.

---

i almost missed my flight this morning. im blaming my maths IQ. i miscalculated a little. but luckily, i got lucky. yeah.

i find it's awesome how easily i fall asleep when flying these days. i probably only need 5 to 10 minutes before i start swaying my head like stupid. or maybe me sleeping at about 3am and waking up 4 hours later had something to do with it.

---

random. but do you know that chili milk chocolate exists? i havent tried it yet, but when i do, i'll tell you how it is.

home in < 24 hrs

in less than 24 hours, i'll be home.

time not only flies when you're having fun, it also does when you're too busy to have any fun.

seriously.

and everyone who sees him says...

song lyrics of the day:

when he gets to the crowded subway platform
he takes off both of his shoes
he steps right into somebody's fat loogie
and everyone who sees him says, "ewww."

from the song, Ghost of Corporate Future by Regina Spektor.

that last line made me let out a stupid chuckle.

and no. it wasnt even the first time i heard this song. but it was the first time i paid any attention to what she was singing about.

dont you think it's awesome when songs can make you laugh/smile? i think it's awesome.

games

played one of my favorite sports just then with some old friends and some new ones. futsal. i love the game. and playing it just because made it even better. the competitiveness was gone and everyone was friendly and ready for a laugh. the last time i played futsal was probably last August.

it's almost 3am now. im predicting that my legs will die when i wake up in the morning. later in the morning.

today

these days, all i can think about are codes and irises. my life is so boring, you would probably die after listening to me talk about it for 5 minutes. seriously. okay. maybe not die. you would probably just stop listening after 30 seconds.

but still. i will write about it. parts of it. regardless. because i have this urge to let some of it out. and so i will. i could have written the part where most bloggers would have said something like, "this is my blog so i'll write whatever the fuck i want and i dont give a shit about you", but i wont. because readers are obviously very important to blogs. and i really appreciate my readers. i mean, the two of you. seriously. you two are the best.

but be warned, if your nose starts bleeding, please press the red x button at the top right corner of this page. thanks.

anyway, what im trying to say is... okay. i dont really remember anymore. and i have work to do.

so bye.

no title no.9

most people need to be reminded that some people have real problems. problems that should make us appreciate life a bit more.

the war in Palestine is just plain wrong.

---

time is great healer. i guess in a way or two, that statement is true. what used to hurt, does not hurt anymore. that is sort of awesome.

---

when morning comes, i plan to disappear for a while.

i dont know. i dont know. that's my answer.

if anyone asks me one more time, "kelas multimedia hari tu belajar sampai mana?" or any variations of that question one more time, i swear im gonna throw my badass cellphone and smash this very screen. its annoying. incredibly annoying because

1. i wasnt even here yet during the first two classes. how the fuck would i know what was taught in class!
   
2. okay. only one. i cant think of a 2.
   

i dont know why they keep asking me. i dont know how many times i have to keep repeating myself. this week is my first week here this semester. i wasnt here last week when the classes actually started. so, I DONT KNOW.

we have a quiz on that subject tomorrow. and everyone is panicking.

im too tired to care about it right now though. what happens, happens. im too tired to care.

maybe i shouldnt have said that.

this post is not about music. or movies. or anything remotely entertaining.

the first week of school and i have 3 assignments already. 2 due this week. one tomorrow (or rather today since its 1.40am right now). one on friday. and the other next monday. by the looks of it, this will be a very long semester.

also, my project sv (which stands for supervisor. its what cool people say.) told me that the database that im supposed to use is not the mysql one, which i at least have some knowledge on. but matlab. this is pretty fucked up because i have no idea how to work using matlab. i guess the whole of this weekend will be dedicated to matlab. so long free time. so long good life.

ok. maybe not the whole weekend. but parts of it. definitely.

---

since i leave my room late for classes most the time, i have developed a new hatred for a certain type of people. slow people. walking in groups. in horizontal lines. i mean, how much more annoying can a group of slow people get? you're right there behind wanting to pass them when they start to form some sort of shield just to stop you from going through.

and it doesnt only happen when you're late for class. there are other situations when these people suddenly form that shield.

i flew airasia from home to here and the path from the plane to the arrival hall was ridiculously far. and i was carrying this heavy load when i got stuck behind a group of slow moving people walking in a horizontal line. they were talking bullshit crap and made no intention of separating from the line despite noticing me switching between my left and right hand to carry my 6-kilo carry-on bag yang ada udang kering and ikan bilis (seriously. got them for a friend). i have no idea what message they were trying to convey. it took me a couple of minutes before i could actually pass them. heavy load and all.

some people are just idiots. stupid idiots.

of cellphones and poems

so ive changed the header for this page. honestly, i wanted to change the whole design. i really wanted to. but i got lazy and never got around to actually doing it. this is the best i can do. for now.

also, you may or may not have noticed that ive disabled the comments link. mostly because i know nobody writes there anyway and also in rare cases that someone does, i probably wont write anything back. because i keep forgetting about it. so, the solution- get rid of it. if you have something to say, email me. or if you know me personally, text me. dont call me though. i most likely am going to ignore your call and wont pick up my phone. oh and you probably have a better chance of getting a reply if you email me.

cellphones are not my favorite gadget in the world.

---

speaking of cellphones, a couple of days ago, a friend asked me straight out why im still using my crappy phone.

well, its durable. i can still make calls. and i dont really need a new one. that's it.

it wasnt the first time someone made a comment about my phone. my phone is only 4 years old and already people are making a racket out of it. sheesh.

---

class have started. to the books and screens i go. friends have parted. laughter and smiles they go.

my 4th ambition is to become poet. right behind movie director, traveler and computer engineer (in that order).

fail, right? i know. oh well.

the most important thing in life is trying. at least i tried.

and you should too.

still recovering from a non-existent hangover

happy 2009 people.

most people probably went out partying, getting drunk and then waking up with a bad headache. that or just staying at home watching tv. as for me, i was at a friend's place with a very small group of friends. we hung out til morning playing cards, eating junk, talking crap and played probably the most ridiculous version of musical chair ever. then, we drove out to catch the first sunrise of the year.

the only thing was we went to the spot where people usually go watch sunsets. geography- fail.

the first sunrise of 2009

oh well. it was still very good fun.

---

this year, i turn 23. this will also be the year i (hopefully) graduate. by this time next year, i'll be a college graduate with a bachelor's degree. which means, i'll be out there trying to find work. trying to survive on my own. which is a scary perspective. i mean, ive been studying almost my whole life for this year to happen. this thought is scaring me shitless.

---

december was a blast. definitely. my actual plan was to finish up my project by december. that obviously failed. so now that it's january, i have to. and no, this time i wont be making excuses cause i have to complete it anyway. regardless. but i probably wont start today. because today is my off day. i'll start tomorrow. seriously.

but december... i think i miss december already.

my clock says it's 12:47AM

in about 24 more hours, i'll have to stop writing down 08 on notes and such. in about 24 more hours, a lot of people will be getting drunk. but im very certain i wont be one of those people. in about 24 more hours, we'll be leaving 08 and entering 09.

2008 is another quick year. i had my first job this year. as an intern but a job nonetheless. it was definitely quite the experience. i think this is the year i grew up most. but then again, i say that every year. but this year, im serious. really.

i think my confidence level increased the most this year. and i overcame some fears along the way. most notably is probably the fear of people in general. i mean, sometimes, i can be really, really awkward. not knowing what to say at the right time and failing to act the way that i should. mostly when meeting new people, my head just somehow stop functioning. this is the year i learned to not be so awkward in new situations. to adapt to my surroundings. to be ok with change. and i learned that the best way to live is to well, just live.

i owe some of this to a good friend. she probably doesnt know but she changed me in a way. the way i look at things. she's probably the most chill person i know. which is something i need because what im doing right now can be really, really stressful. she showed me it's ok to chill and relax but at the same time still do good. so really. thanks to her, life somehow feels a lot better now.

and im probably not talking about you. im pretty sure she doesnt read the things i write.

i have something in my mind right now. i cant seem to put it into words.

also my eyes are getting warm. i think it's telling me to go sleep.

when the right time comes, i'll tell you something you would want to hear.

no title no.8

i wish i have something smart to say here. but i dont.

maybe later.

im tired.

enough about you. lets talk about me.

in about two weeks time, i'll be back in my room in college, probably working on some codes for my system. but until that day comes, i probably am not going to do anything to my project. no progress. no brainstorming sessions with my conscience. nothing. which also means i'll be spending January stuck in my room, only coming out for food and when i start to smell so bad i need a shower.

last week was great. i dont think ive laughed as much as i did the past week since... man probably since high school. i mean, some of my friends are crazy funny. you have no idea. and i dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing but i think they're always laughing at me. im not too sure if they're laughing at me. or with me. but apparently, im quite the comedic act. yeah, im as amazed as you are.

i just think it's amazing how different groups of people see in different lights. im sure some know me as the quiet awkward kid. some as the pissed-off angry kid. and some as the chill-out funny kid. sometimes i think maybe, just maybe i have some sort of multiple personality disorder. or maybe i just need a long time to be able to open up to people.

but really, making people laugh, i just love the feeling. the joy you know. sometimes, my lame jokes fall flat but when they dont, the feeling is just awesome. you should try it. honest. it's an awesome feeling.

one thing i dont like though is having people tell me what i can and cannot do. it just limits my creative thinking process. whatever the hell that means. i mean, c'mon. chill. i have one life. im at least entitled to live it the way i want to, right? so i guess, i get pretty pissed when people start to tell me to do things i dont want to. which, unfortunately, is pretty much why i get pissed at my parents the most. because they keep telling me what i should do. even when i dont want to know. sorry mom, dad. but i'd probably be less angry if you stop questioning me all the time.

anyways, it's Christmas already where im at. so, Merry Christmas kids.

hope it's good for you. and for me.

no title no.7

im too tired to care. i dont really fucken care what people think anymore.

if you dont like what you see, then dont. just dont.

and yes, maybe this one is about you.

no title no.6

animals arent exactly my favorite creatures in the world, but this is sick.

and the winner of Survivor Gabon is...

...not someone im going to write about today. it's Bob btw. in case you really wanted to know.

im not really digging the live feed function on facebook. i mean, how sad is it to see this one day:

Jos**** is playing with her pet in Pet Society. 5:55pm

i mean, c'mon. i dont really want people to know im playing with a virtual pet one evening. that would probably ruin all the effort ive made into making me this cool and i dont-give-a-damn-bout-nothing-yo type person. and it's even sadder when this little line pops up:

Jos****'s pet, teetee, has just reached a new level in Pet Society! 6.55pm

cause that line means that im actually into the game. which very unfortunately, i am. it's a good way to kill time. but c'mon, i dont really want people to know that. and for people to know that i was at it for an hour. man, that's even sadder.

but then again, nobody really uses the live feed tab. right?

finally went to the gym last Sunday after promising my self that i'd go every other day while im home. the plan obviously failed but hey, at least i went last Sunday. in the car, on the way, my brother and i kept going, "hari ni hari apa? oh, hari ni hari minggu pula kan" and "napa banyak kereta ni? oh ya. hari minggu pula ni kan." kinda sad really. having been at home for about a month, we have lost track of time.

and that Sunday was also the day i realized how unfit i was. i mean, i ran on the threadmill a while before i accidentally (honest!) pressed the emergency stop button so i went to continue on that bike thing i dont know the name of. then after that, after the whole 30 minutes of it, i stopped and seriously, i almost passed out. but i had my ego to look after so i pushed my self to not pass out and went to sit a while until my surroundings wasnt a blur anymore. seriously, the place was becoming blurry and the noise, voices of people around became louder. it wasnt the greatest feeling in the world. lucky me, it didnt last that long. that, was pretty uncool.

also, my legs are basically dead now. i need to jog more.

i will.

next year.

promise.

no title no.5

why do we keep pretending that it's okay when you and i both know that it's not?

no title no.4

hey, i just realized that im very good at being vague.

again, im procrastinating. im not saying it's a good thing. some people are so proud of their laziness and how they like to keep things last minute and still succeed. but not me. i dont think there's anything to be proud of by acting that way. in fact, it's plain stupid. i prefer to get things done as quick as possible. but still, not getting things done on time is sort of me. not proud, but hey, im working on it.

the past few weeks, instead of working on my very important project, ive been going out for karaoke nites with the big family and late nite mamak with friends. not healthy but good fun. i dont remember laughing as hard as i did a couple of hours ago when in school. school was stressful. is stressful. in school, i have to think about projects. about datelines. about programming languages that i have yet to learn. here, i can think less of those things. besides, im entitled to enjoy this month. sort of.

this was also the week where i can no longer brag about my 20/20 vision. because, i got my glasses done. i dont plan on wearing them often though. because im told that it's not good to make it habit. and since im a good kid, i listen to advice. so for now, i'll only use them when im driving at night, reading for long hours and when my surroundings start to resemble a flashback scene from a movie. or maybe i should just go to bed when the last one happens.

went to watch a movie just then. Bolt! it was either that or the Keanu Reeves movie. or Twilight. i know everyone's talking about Twilight because the dude's good looking. but i read that the movie wasnt very good. and when i go to the movies, i expect to watch a good movie not a good looking dude just walking around on screen. and i know for a fact that Keanu Reeves cant act. so i tried to convince them to go watch Bolt! and we did. so yeah, Bolt! isnt exactly Oscar material but hey, at least it made me laugh. [the exclamation mark after Bolt! is used for dramatics effects]

the other day, i was driving. and i wanted to shift to the right lane because i had to go right. the car on the right lane was sort of speeding and refusing to let me through. bastard. so i sped up a little and there was this perfect spot to get in one car ahead. the driver was an older man wearing black-rimmed glasses. he was driving so slow i thought he was letting me in. i went in and then he started honking me. i have no idea why. he was slow, i wanted the right lane. i got in. no one got hurt and he started honking and looking angry. i looked at the rear-view mirror making sure that he saw me then i started to make some gestures out of anger. a few second later, i realized. road rage. shit.

sorry but im a angry person. you dont really want to mess with me on the road.

or anywhere else for that matter.

no sleep tonight

last week was probably one of the fastest week i had this year. i planned on getting at least the user interface part of my system done last friday. im still not done today. the only reason being that i did not do it at all last week. i kept giving my self excuses. then yesterday, i sort of panicked when i noticed how far behind i am from my schedule. i have no idea how the rest of the class are doing. i havent talked to most of them since the holiday started. and i sort of dont want to. because if i do, talks about the projects would definitely come up. and i dont really want to know how much progress they've made because i know i havent done much. i really wish time would slow down this week. i need to get it done by this week. i have to. because i know i wont be doing anything academic at all on the last week of december. so i have about 2 weeks to get this all done.

how can i make this week last longer?

no title no.3

some people are just too fucken paranoid.

somewhere in here is a lesson to be learned

i have underestimated the difficulty of programming a user interface using java. i initially wanted to use java as the main language for my system but then i found out that even if i can eventually code it, it'll take ages. so i decided to change to c++. and again i underestimated that language. in the end, ive decided to just use visual basic. a language so easy a tutor told us off earlier in the year (we used it for a group project) saying it's a language for high school kids and not undergrads. i did not touch one bit of visual basic that time (i blame the lack of leadership and some trust issues, which is stupid but things like that do happen. i would know) but in just one day, im getting the hang of it. yes, im taking the easy way out. but i have no time, so this will have to do for now. and i sort of promised myself that i'll get the GUI done by november. this means i have 2 days. im about 5% done. damn.

after testing the power of my Canon's night mode, i have decided that it sucks. yeah, most of the photos turn out either blurry or ugly. the absence/presence of lights being one of the more obvious problems. also i have decided that my tripod is not the best in the world. unfortunately, it's not as steady as i had hoped for.

---

some time ago i was tagged by miko to do this tag. only the second one because i read instructions. so here goes.

Tag 2

1) What is the relationship of you and him/her?
Seorang majikan untuk sarikat karipap mantap.

2) Your 5 impressions towards him/her.
Slow-mo, mulut berbau, mudah tekejut, mata katak, lapar.

3) The most memorable things he/she had done for you.
Belikan pasu bunga.

4) The most memorable things he/she have said to you?
“Perfume kau bau axion”

5) If he/she becomes your lover, you will...
Turn to dwarf.

6) If he/she becomes your enemy, you will...
Become a soldier

7) If he/she become your lover, he has to improve on...on his/her
Kemahiran menggubah bunga mayat.

8) If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is...
Sebab dia tidak tahu kod Cmaj9 macamana.

9) The most desirable thing to do on him/her is?
Buatkan semua assignment aku.

10) The overall impression of him/her is...
Kurang memuaskan.

11) How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
Kesiannya dia ni, dapat bf begitu.

12) The character of you for yourself is?
Mungkin macam padayappa.

13) On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
Mudah terkentut.

14) The most ideal person that you wanna be is?
Apa-apalah asal bukan William Hung atau Magibon.

15) For the people who likes you, say something about them.
Kamu suda berak ka?.

16) Ten people to tag:
M, Mi, Mik, Miko, A., A. Ra, A. Raf, A. Rafi, A. Rafid, A. Rafidah

17) Who is no. 2 having a relationship with?
Err, x pasti.

18) Is no. 3 a male or a female?
Err, x cek lagi. Nanti cek!

19) If no. 7 and no. 10 were together, would it be a good thing?
Err, x pasti.

20) How about no5 and no8?
Err, not sure la.

21) What is no. 1 studying about?
Ilmu menghasilkan tauhu dari barang terbuang.

22) Is no. 4 single?
Err, not sure la.

23) Say something about no. 6.
A. Ra err.. without the fidah.

you may or may not notice something about this tag. it's exactly the same as miko's! except for questions 16 and 23.

you know why im doing this? this is because im trying to give you a lesson on plagiarism. normally what most kids would do is just change some parts of the assignment and leave the rest exactly the same. i copy sometimes but, i do paraphrase all the sentences into my own. still cheating but better than copying the exact same words. but you know, desperate times call for desperate measures. i try to not do them very often though because i know it's wrong. and it's disrespectful for the original copy maker. i mean student.

now, you know how your lecturers feel when they read the exact same answers twice.

p.s: okay la. salah satu sebab yg len se malas bah mo baca tu soalan2 jg. tu la copy paste pastu bagi nasihat kunun.

we didnt do it for the money

you know what i despise? people who use fake names on facebook. i just think it's plain annoying. what's so fucken wrong with your given birth name? isnt the point of facebook is for people to find you. putting ridiculous names that not even friends call you by wont get you reconnected with old classmates, man. i mean, i have a pretty unusual name. i have people calling me variations of names based on both my first name and surname. and i've gotten so used to it, i dont fucken care anymore these days. i dont understand why someone could be so embarassed with their own name to the point of them not wanting to use it. so kids, please, next time just use your real name. it makes life easier. for you. and me.

---

in other news, ive been experimenting some new techniques with the canon i own. im trying to test how far it could go. so far, it's been ok. though i cant really get good potraits using this canon. the landscapes and macros are fine but shots of people, not really good. so, yeah. i still want an slr. im saving for it too. right now i have about rm300. shit. im poor.

a few days ago, i was introduced to a this superb photographer by the name of sara aziz by a friend of mine. her shots- amazing. in fact, one was published in national geographic. so she must be good. really good. so this friend of mine was saying like, take a look. i'll tell you something about her later. so i said ok. then she told me. sara aziz. this girl was 20. she lost her battle with cancer last month. incredibly sad. and she was being really brave about it too. man... i was reading some of her posts and got a little teary eyed. posts written by her friends dealing with her death were even harder to read.

i dont know her personally or anything but reading her posts, looking at the photographs she shot, she's an inspiration to me. so much passion. time just wasn't on her side...

al-fatihah.

ice cream

so my holiday started about a week ago. the week before, now that was terrible week. the finals week.

terrible as in the condition, i mean. i have this habit of pulling out my hair when im thinking or reading or well, basically whenever my hand is not doing anything. so exam time means a lot reading and sitting down and forcing myself to absorb all the knowledge that i need to score. which also means that my hands are not busy with the keyboard. though most of the notes are in my computer, i prefer to print them out. it's because im traditional. i like to read actual books/papers, not a screen.

anyways, what im trying to say is that by the end of the week, the amount of hair i found on the floor... was enough to make a high quality toupe. no joke. that scared me shitless. but my hands, they have a mind of their own. this holiday, im hoping to break this habit. i once read that it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. i still have about 6 weeks of this holiday. guess i'll start next week. or maybe the week after. hopefully, next year, i wont have this problem again.

also, on my last day in school before the break, i decided to clean my room. the spider webs, the hair on the floor, yeah i cleaned them all. i also found a dead cicak under my bed. i guess it died a long time ago because it didnt smell or anything and i could practically see the bones. and yeah, after 4 years of having them around the room all the time, im not that afraid of them anymore. so kids, you cant scare me with them anymore. hah!

---

i sort of promised my supervisor that i'd get something done for my project by january. and i meant it when i said it to her that time. but that time, i was high on energy and motivated because i was still in my exam mood. i forgot that i lose that part of me when im home. here, im just lazy. but i promised myself that i'll start it anyway. regardless. i need to. just not too sure when. okay, friday. i'll start friday.

---

---

the past few days, ive decided what i want to do this school break. im gonna go out and take photographs. because of this also, im gonna get me an slr. i have no idea how i could get my dad to lend me 2k. but im gonna try. check out my flickr page for some of my works so far. nothing impressive (yet) but hey, im working on it!

---

sometime ago, i met up with an old friend. she said that after many years, i did not change. she was smiling, i remembered. so i took it as a good thing. i dont why but sometimes i think about it. even after so long. so maybe i did not change. but people around me are. a couple of weeks ago, i accidentally (dont ask how it was an accident) read an old email and then i compared it to more recent emails. and right there and then, i broke down. i dont even know why. maybe it was the academic stress. maybe it was the loneliness (most everyone was home that time including my roommate. and i was way too lazy to walk over to friends rooms). maybe it was just something i needed to get out of my system. the next day, i simply blamed the hormones.

i guess i need to get over the fact that people change. people grow apart even if you dont want them to. and i need to accept it. acceptance is not an easy thing to do. i would know.

and just in case you're wondering, no. this post isnt about you.

kids, im home

this morning i woke up from a dream, smiling. i dreamt that i tricked this one kid into believing something really stupid and then i was so pleased with myself i started smiling. then i woke up. it was weird.

and i guess it's a habit of mine (and most people, i presume) to look for the time the minute i get up. the clock said it was 15mins to 8. impressed with my new ability to wake up early, i decided to just get up and start the day early. so as usual, the first place i go to is my laptop. to check my mail, even if there isnt any. but then the clock on my laptop said it was 15mins to 10. i did a double take at the clock hanging on the wall. damn the batteries.

i wish i could write more. but i have some business to attend to. if all goes well, i'll write some more later.

i cant explain the state that im in

it's weird how having so much downtime can make you think, about things. about this life. about how i feel. about the future. and the future is near.

i'd be sitting in my room all alone and lonely and think about the things that i might be doing this time next year. and it's very unfortunate that i still dont know what i want to do. i mean, if anyone had asked me 4 years ago, i would probably say i dont know yet and it would be okay. but now, fast forward 4 years later, i still dont know. and this is bad. really bad.

one minute im sure that i want to continue study. the next i want to work. the next i want to pursue some stupid dream. the next just travel the world. and the cycle continues. ive been changing my mind every few minutes, i dont even know where i stand right now.

sometimes, i ask people where they see themselves in the near future and they would sound so confident and sure when they answer. i have no idea how they do it. i find this transition into the real world very frightening. why cant i see what they see? i wonder about that sometimes.

---

so i went down to Melaka last friday. the actual plan was to go early Saturday morning but you know, screw plans. we left at about 7pm and reached Melaka about 2 hours later. i wasnt the one driving though. the substitute driver was. i did drive the way back though.

the trip itself was awesome. i was practically a tourist in my own country. i loved the sights. but Melaka was really really hot. and i mean the weather not the other kind. the sun was burning the whole time. and though the trip was meant to be some sort of a tourist-on-holiday trip, i have no idea why some of them were rushing so much. c'mon people. like a friend of mine would say, chill. i consider myself pretty uptight most the time but compared to some of them, i think im pretty chill. so really, just chill.

the stupidest thing i did during the trip? this one is a no brainer. that would be ramming the front of a police patrol car parked inside the police station. and then running away. i would give you the details but that would make me sound like a coward so i might as well not. i rather leave it like this. this makes me sound more like a dare devil.

having drive for about 4 months now, friends in my car are still skeptical of my driving skills. most every time i drive, there's bound to be at least one of those, "jos... jos!!" moments. it's getting tiring. i will practice more. honest.

so i drove back from melaka. the highway. about 9pm. and i was driving at about 120-130 km/h. it was awesome. my hands were literally glued to the steering wheel. and i was trying to look calm and indifferent. but i guess my co-pilot read my nerves. it was still awesome though.

all in all, the melaka trip was a success. now im hoping to make some more road trips when i get back home. hopefully, friends at home trust my driving skills more.

---

also, i need to get over it. but it's harder than i thought it would be.

an attempt at story telling

this is the story about the final week of my finals this term. 3 papers. 5 days. i was stressed. i got bored. so i took out my handy camera and started to take random photos of random things.

my desk circa exam week

toy cars- can you spot the non-Proton?

one morning i woke up and with sleep still in my eyes, i realized that my roommate was gone. i never felt so lonely in my life. well, not really. but it sure sounds more dramatic.

one night i got so bored, i took my tripod out and started taking pictures of the view outside. the pictures turned out kinda grainy. the night mode pretty much suck, i guess. which is why i need an SLR.

one morning i got so bored and started to just lie on the floor when i noticed something on one of my shoes. i dont understand the "shoe obsession". i have one slipper that i wear everywhere. it's a size too small too but it's extremely convenient. that's why i like it. the rest go on to become like this. unfortunate. i know.

the best thing about making a list is scratching all the items out. this is was my finals time table.

later than night... melaka. road trip. i wasn't driving. i'll tell you more about this later when i feel more productive.

---

i like to think the reason i started writing was to improve my written English. and also to be able to tell a story that i dont think i could if had to say it out loud because as a conversationalist, i fail. big time. or maybe im just a narcissist who refuse to acknowledge the fact. the world is all about me yo.

sometimes (though rarely) someone would tell me that they like what they read. to have people telling me that this thing that im doing is nice, is really cool. regardless of how sincere they were at that time. maybe it was just pure sarcasm (i fail at reading sarcasm too). anyhow, it still is an awesome thing to hear.

so really, thank you.

there's a title but it's instrumental so please listen really carefully

ive decided that i have a favorite movie genre. and it's... musical. that is a category, right? i mean, i watched Once and Across the Universe sometime last year (or maybe it was earlier in the year. time fails me.) and fell in love with both movies. so much that for about a month or so, all i listened to were songs from those two soundtracks. falling slowly was, i mean still is, a fantastic song. how could you not love it? and i actually learned Beatles songs from across the universe. i wish i could say i grew up listening to my parents Beatles collection but that would mean im lying yo. my parents didnt even have a Beatles collection. i grew up listening to various oldies-but-goodies karaoke discs and Broery Marantika.

so yesterday, i watched Mamma Mia! it was nice that the movie was actually still playing because it's been playing for so long and i thought they wouldn't be screening it anymore. but they did. i call it luck. as for the movie, i really like it. it was funny, it was fun, it was what i needed to watch. i mean, when im all stressed out and shit, i dont want to be watching something deep. i want something light and fun. and this was it. sure, Meryl Streep was a little over the top in some scenes but it fits the mood of the movie, i guess. the only downside for me was Pierce Brosnan's singing voice. he needs to work on it. i wished they have given more singing parts to Colin Firth instead.

but you know what the ironic thing is? i cannot stand Hindi movies- for all the singing and dancing.

maybe im just a hypocrite.

---

so i drove to find food just then. and parked at the side of the road. i mean, the car im driving is not a 4WD and it's pretty much... i dunno, low, i guess. im not sure what's the technical term is, but you know what i mean, right? probably not.

but anyways, parked at the side of the road. the opposite side, cars coming from the opposite side. and it was kinda too high but i was being stupid and decided it would be okay. then when i tried to get out of that place, i couldnt because it was too high and my car wasnt powerful enough to handle it. i had to try twice before i manage to get off that turf. you probably have no idea what im talking about. so, i will draw you an awesome picture:


i call it too much time on my hands

or the stupid road did me no good

or for the love of road-side-fly-infested-but-real-good-food

or my lame attempt at comedy

or im just really bored and i refuse to study.

but you, my friend, can call it whatever you want.

also, ive been calling all my driving sessions adventures now.

---

in other unrelated news, ive pretty much become a game addict. and it's not just any game. it's a super-cool-game-designed-for-people-with-no-life that's on facebook and it's call mob wars. but it's soo addictive, i cant help but be into it. damn you game designer! in the morning when i wake up, the first thing i do is check out the jobs list and do some jobs. that way, my energy would be up a little by the time i come back from the shower and i can do more jobs. unlike most people, i have a game plan.

so, if you've got facebook, i really really need you to be in my mob. i dont care if you play the game or not, i just want to expand my mob. i swear, only cool people play this game. nevermind what i previously stated.

oh and Happy Deepavali to those celebrating.

overheard

4PM. Thursday October 23rd. KFC Sri Serdang.

Him: Hi, selamat datang. Makan sini ke bungkus?
Her: Bungkus. Snack plate satu. Cheezy wedges satu.
Him: Ayam spicy ke original?
Her: Original. Er.. Ayam tak nak drumstick okay.
Him: Okay. Nak tambah air tak?
Her: Oh okay. Ice lemon tea satu.
Him: Okay. Tu saja ke?
Her: Yeah.
Him: Jadi, snack plate satu, cheezy wedges satu, air ice lemon tea?
Her: Hmm.

[He goes away to fix the meal]

[He comes back with the meal]

Him: Ada lagi nak tambah?
Her: Tak. Eh, Boleh minta tomato sauce extra?
Him: Booooleh. Takde masalah. Ada lagi nak tambah?
Her: Tak. Tu saja.
Him: Semuanya RM XX.XX.

[She hands over an RM50 note]

Him: Ini baki RM XX.XX. Terima kasih. Datang lagi.
Her: Thank you.

The her was me. The him was some guy on shift at the KFC nearest to where I'm staying.

The saddest part of the whole conversation is probably the fact that that was the only conversation I had with a living person that whole day.

My one-day-before-a-big-paper can be that extreme.

a sorta long post

the sudden outbreak of parents joining facebook is... well, it's just plain creepy. and when i say parents, i mean parents of the SDD clan aka my big family aka my aunts, uncles and very unfortunately, my dad. and you know how this shit happened? when the kids have nothing better to do. i know (at least for my dad's part) the account was masterminded by my sisters. one of them or both. who knows.

i just think it's plain creepy. i mean, think about this: "hey, my dad's my friend on facebook." strange, no?

---

i had sushi for lunch. went with a friend. i actually planned to go alone. eat, take my time, relax and people watch. but since she wanted to go out for lunch, i just couldn't say no. then there were two. and i had to cancel out people watching and change it to making conversations. after lunch, walked around a little. groceries and then the bookstore. it was only in the bookstore that i realized that i forgot both my IC and my driver's license in my room. i was driving. she doesnt drive. i kept it to myself though. i wouldnt want her to freak out or anything.

luckily, nothing happened.

---

i was tagged by narimah a long, loooong time ago. and i never got the chance to do it. mostly because the five pictures i have in my hard drive couldnt answer all the questions and i was way too lazy/busy to find some more. but if you think today is the day that im finally gonna do it, im gonna have to disappoint.

susah bah soalan2 dia. mo cari lagi gambar2. hah.

i was also recently tagged by miko. and since this time, no pictures are involved, i'll give this one a try.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
i dont have a lover. least not now.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
becoming a movie director. in hollywood.

3. What's your planning for this year's X'mas?
nothing. i dont celebrate chrismas. i dont celebrate anything.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
nothing. i know that's not possible.

5. Will you u fall in love with your best friend?
not this one.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
probably the latter.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
man, too many questions in this one too. i thought this was gonna be easy.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
pass

9. If you would like to record a song, with who will it be?
pass

10. What will you do if your crush set you up with his/her best friend?
pass

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
pass

12. What’s your fear?
pass

13. No. 13 is missing.
pass. eh, i mean who cares.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
pass

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
pass

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
pass

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
pass

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that someone has done?
pass

19. Do you prefer to be a young mother or a divorce mother at 40?
pass

20. List 5 people to tag:
you
you, yeah you.
you, no dont go hiding, i mean you.
you, not you. the one on your left.
you, yeah, you too.

okay, that's five.

im sorry but the optimist in me died a long time ago. she only comes out when she desperately needs to.

---

also, narimah gave me this award:

woah. apparently, my blog is cool! and im sure im supposed to do something with this. nominate people and all. and since the 3 people i know is not enough to make the 10 im supposed to nominate, i'll just nominate anyone who thinks they're cool. if you think you're cool, dude, this is for you. im in a giving mood today, after all.

except you. you're not cool enough.

what database did to me

last night started at 7 this morning. last night ended 3 hours later.

my team and i were up all night trying to get the database system we were working on to actually work. the task was given early this semester. now it's week 14.

really kids, dont be like this. dont be a last-minute type person. it's unhealthy.

we only started working on the system about 3 days ago. so basically it was 3 days of endless nights. it was so mentally exhausting, last night i hallucinated while working on the codes and scared a team member off. i thought i saw a non-existent cat under the bed. then i sort of jumped back. it was 5 in the morning.

but after all that the most amazing thing is the fact that our team was the first (undergrad) team to successfully upload the whole working system (albeit with many limitations) into the server.

maybe the other 10 groups are last-minute types too. really pretty sad if you think about it. what's gonna happen to the world in the future if everyone works like this?

but still, the late nights - definitely worth it. at least we're done for now.

it's bad news

my car broke down yesterday. i mean, the engine could start but when the car slowed down or when i hit the brakes, it'll go dead. and i drive an auto not a shift stick. so something must be really wrong.

since yesterday was already readily tense, i left the car at the faculty car park and walked my way back. i had to deal with one very important report paper yo! it was due the next day (today) and i still had about 30% to work on. so my mind was going "car.. paper.. car.. paper." after sweating under the burning sun for about 20 minutes my head was telling me to just leave the fucken car behind and focus on the more important things. so i did just that.

but really, thanks to everyone who asked about the car. it shows you were concerned. or maybe just really really curious. and major thanks to the three who actually helped.

and to those who gave out mean lols and hahahas, screw them. i hope whatever it is they drive breaks down next.

hmm.. okay. that was pretty mean. oh well. they started it.

hello [because i cant think of anything else]

i will be extremely busy for the next few weeks. not kidding. database project, english report writing report, final year project. all due in the next 8 days. dont even get me started on the shit i had to do this week. i sometimes wonder how they do it. some look so relaxed. so calm. maybe it's my own fault for being a last-minute type person. whatever it is, ive decided that this academic business is not for me. but, yeah, i will go on and get it done with. one more year, yo. one more year.

so, while distract myself with work, u should go distract yourself with these blogs. they make a good read. promise.

--> jessica's blog
--> shar's blog
--> narimah's blog
--> miko's blog
--> kenny sia
--> xiaxue
--> underarchiever, please try harder
--> oranges and lemons
--> the quarter life chronicles
--> my sarcastic uncle's blog

or if you're really down and need a good laugh. read this. seriously, it'll make u feel good again.

Eid 2008

i just wrote a long ass entry a moment ago. i lost it when i entered my camera's memory card into the memory card reader and the laptop just jammed. oh well, shit happens.

and before it's too late, i'd like to wish everyone celebrating, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

just got back from the family house in Ranau. my dad, my brother and i went there for the festivities for 5 days. my early doubts of having to spend 5 days in a room with only my brother and my dad were vanished after 3 hours there. it really isn't that bad. and i guess im really lucky that my family is tight enough to be able to stand each other staying in the same room for 5 days. but we were out most the time anyways.

the scariest shit that happened during my stay there was probably the lipan case. i was minding my own business when this HEE-UGE animal thing came sliding on the floor. i called my brother to come kill it. my brother managed to kill it with a mop and some guidance from an aunt after about 30 minutes. lets leave the gory details behind. i know my kid brother was scared shitless himself but i gotta hand it to him, he is the man.

the funniest was probably that time when that young calf rammed into the car that my cousin was driving and i was in. hah. it wasn't funny that time but to think about it now, yeah, it was pretty damn stupid. luckilly my cousin managed to hit the brakes on time before killing the calf or denting the car. she said, "nah, sepa bah pakai baju merah ni?" then we reminded her the fact that the car itself was red. somewhere in there, there's a joke.

the night of the first day of Raya, most everyone was attacked by some serious cases of diarrhea. myself included. i woke up at about 3 in the morning from this intense pain. i seriously thought i was going to throw up and get sick all over bed. i didnt. the next morning, i found out most everyone went through the same experience. lucky thing is, since my dad is like the boss of the family, we get to stay in the master bedroom (i.e., it comes with a bathroom) so i didn't exactly have to stand in line just to go. cause it was just me and my brother. and as for the food that made us all sick, im blaming the rendang.

the best bit was probably the whole experience. yeah, i had a great time. the big family is real chill and i really like that. there's another family gathering in december. still a long wait.

so for now, excuse me as i go bury myself in assignments and projects for the next two weeks. two weeks. i dont care how, but i need to get everything done in two weeks.

the fun's over. and unfortunately, im well aware of it.

the opposite of...

been home for a couple of days. nothing much. home is okay. though without the whole family here, it doesn't feel that homey anymore. or maybe that's just me.

so, been reading in the news about China's tainted milk issue and saw this. hmm.. there goes my childhood candy. that used to be one of my favorites candy way back then. i remember one time, during one of my uncles wedding, he sort of threw some candies around (maybe it's tradition?) and i remember us kids trying to grab as much of the white rabbits as we could. or maybe that's just my memory fooling me. but i swear something like that happened.

in a few days will be going off to my dad's hometown. we go there a couple of times once a year. mainly just hanging out with cousins im not close with and just sitting around and listening to stories about the family i have no idea about. hopefully, this year will be good. my mom and sisters wont be there this year. so, that sucks. but oh well. i'll manage.

im looking for new ways to kill time right now. i feel like my life have reached a new low. you know how some days you have no idea why you're here and what it is that you're doing. im trying to find a meaning to all this. and i know how unhealthy this is so im trying to find some ways to get out of it. seriously. probably scaring some out there but hopefully this is just a phase i will get out of soon.

but more seriously, what i think i need is to get out of here. to go to some strange place im not familiar with. but the problem is, i cant do that. because i need to get all this academic stuff done with first. so, my main aim is just to finish this shit and then, by july next year, hopefully i'll be off somewhere. some place new. i need that. really.

hopefully, something will come up. yeah.

this may sound childish, but...

right now, you have no idea what i'm going through.

i dont really like to say things like that because you know, it'll make me sound like some angry teenager who listens to punk bands that sing crappy i-hate-my-life songs. which i am not.

but right now, life seems to be so.. so.. crappy. maybe that's the word. a lot of work to keep me busy though. so, work will be a good disguise. people think all this work, assignments and shit is making me crazy. it's not. it's helping me really. it's that other thing that's bothering me. sorry but im not sharing this time.

my life is like a jens lekman song right now. which one? whichever one you guessed, well, it's not that one.

an introduction to the world

you know what can make a really bad week turn into a really good one in less than a second? this:

world, meet faris. faris, meet the world =)

my nephew. man, im so.. so.. i dont have the words to describe this feeling yo. it's like extreme joy but then in some photos he looks so much like amir and then i'd get teary-eyed and all. but this is a good thing. i cant wait to see this little fella.

you see i like kids. well, except when they start to cry. then, i'll pass them over to someone else. but anyways, i like to think myself as someone who is good with kids. so really, i cant wait to see this little kid.

im never alone. im alone all the time.

i think i'm getting too old for school. my heart is not in it, at all, anymore.

had to sit for a test today. it was at 2pm. i had class at 8am. the last time i went to that particular class was about 2 weeks ago. so, i had to go today, i told myself. then i purposely skipped the 10am class because i felt like sleeping. i've become crazy lazy these days. you have no idea how lazy. neither do it. it was 1.15pm when i decided to drag myself out of bed. 45mins to the test. the other kids probably thought i was in my room, studying. i wasnt. i was lying in bed. thinking about stuff not related to the test.

it's a weird feeling, this. i feel like i've lost my reason to live. my heart is not in anything im doing these days. of course, i try to act as normal as i could. because to be all moody and shit just cos my life is in a weird phase, that's just juvenile, man. luckily, i am known to be someone without much emotions. or so they told me. and i like that. i like to think of it as a facade, as a cover, to trick people. whatever the hell that means.

in other news, i paid about 25 USD to create my own pro flikr account earlier this week. i have no idea why i did that considering the fact that i have very little cash with me right now and my mom isn't home to bank in more for me. and my dad, well, he doesn't do these things, my mom's the accountant. i'm afraid that these days, i dont think anymore. i just do.

but still, i think i need to justify this account. if not for you, for me.

1 in 100 people tell me that i take good photos. the rest rather think i suck. so to the (rare) 1%, this account is for your kind of good people. hope i don't disappoint.

and in other other news, i have decided that i have a fav poem now. a girl i dont know personally but sometimes read her blog wrote it some time ago.

Sorrows Underneath by Zihan Rahman

I think of all my problems.
I think of all my pain.
I think of all my sorrows,
Until I go insane.

I think of all the smiles I've worn,
Which hide sorrows underneath.
No one seems to notice,
That I go through so much grief.

My tears seems to keep flowing,
Inside my tired eyes.
Each time I want to tell you,
My words come out as lies.

These days I'm feeling distant,
Far away and weak.
My sadness pulls me further,
From the happiness I seek.

I've just begun to realize,
That my hopes and dreams are gone,
I'm walking down a dead-end road,
Humming a tuneless song.

I'm standing on a rooftop,
Although I'm scared of heights,
I'm watching the cars beneath me move,
And somehow this doesn't feel right.

Now I think of what I'm doing,
I know I should find a way,
To beat through my depression,
Will I be able to someday?

Someone might be there,
To help me make it through,
Maybe they will listen,
And tell me what to do.

I'm seeing through the darkness,
And I'm starting to trust a few,
I think I'll try to make it,
So I can be there for them, too.

i like how there's hope in this. because these days, i feel like hope is all i need to continue on.

even the best fall down sometimes

it's the 7th day of Ramadhan. meaning that i've been fasting for about 7 days now. technically though, i've only been fasting for 6 days. because the 7th day just started. in fact, fasting for the 7th day started about 40-odd minutes ago. which ultimately explains why i'm up so early today. it's because i just ate and i dont feel like going back to bed, just yet.

what i love best about Ramadhan is how things suddenly seem to slow down during this month. giving me the opportunity to catch up with myself. hopefully, i'll get to do something about my final year project this month. i've been wasting too much time experiencing life that i sometimes forget that i'm a senior in college. my supervisor asked my progress the other day and i lied saying i'm doing the literature review. in reality, i've been doing nothing. not good. not good at all.

another thing about Ramadhan i like is how i'd be brave enough to walk around the college area at 4 in the morning without the slightest feeling of being scared. without the weird feeling that someone is watching you when you're walking along the empty corridor at 1 in the morning. somehow, Ramadhan does that to me. it's a good thing, no?

in other news, my sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy sometime last week. hopefully, i get to see my nephew later this year. if all goes well, i might just would.

officially, i'm an aunt again =)

out to find my soul

i went on a little trip last weekend. a lone trip up north. something i wanted to do for so long but never had the chance to. until last week, that is. i guess the best way to go somewhere is to just up and leave. dont think about it, just do it.

came back with my body sore from all the walking around and going through some tiring but hella fun activities.

The trip was sort of my soul-searching trip. To go back to the place I rejected 4 years ago and see how my life would have turned out if I had stayed. I don't regret leaving though. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't leave, I wouldn't have had a great year in Labuan. If I had stayed, I probably still wouldn't be driving (had to postpone my the big driving test when i went there first time)!

UTP August 2008

The place was good. The environment was nice. The people were chill. Overall, the trip was nice. But there were a few things I didn't get to do. I really wanted to visit my old room. The room I spent 5 days in back in 2004. And I really wanted to go see the phone booth I used to use that time. Apparently, now my old dorm is made into the boys dorm. And they made some changes to the place that I barely recognized it when we stopped there one night. I only got to see the place from afar. Oh well.

i thought the library was really awesome-looking.

the good people took me to the beach the second day i was there. the beach was nice. but the heat was a killer. luckily we got a spot under the trees. at least it was shaded. we hung around playing cards where i realized that i'm a pretty good liar. we played this game call "bluff" where i won both times. some people have trust issues, i guess. i dont lie. i just rarely tell the whole truth.

hanging out playing cards

Playing Big 2. With this hand, I did not win the round.

crazy hot but still good fun

we went to a water park/theme park the next day. it was my first time to such place. mostly because i cant swim and i dont want to die drowning. but the trip turned out to be good fun. i almost drown though. i was on this floating tube with one of the good people and i was trying to adjust my position when the bloody thing capsized and i was underwater for about 10 seconds which felt like the longest 10 seconds of my life. right there and then, i thought "so, this is how im gonna die". then i stood up. water drowning only the bottom half of my body. and all was good again. and one of the good people, all she did was laugh.

eventful locker 124

my arms are still sore from hanging on to the floating tube. no joke.

the good people

despite that, i still think the trip was awesome. im hoping to make more of these sort of trips. all i need now is to find more good people.

untitled

now, it seriously is a very strange in my life. so many things happening at the same time for me to take in. the worst part i think is because i can't do anything about it. all i can do is to learn and accept it. it sucks in a way but im trying. i am. it's killing me silently but still, im trying.

ive been spending way too much time going out, wasting time but having a blast that i've been neglecting my academic world the past 2 weeks. i need to snap out of this. because i know it's not gonna do me any good. i need to learn that i dont get to spend summer like them. i need to learn that summer does not exist where im at. the last two weeks, i've been neglecting basically everything that i was given, group and individual, letting myself and my group members down. the last test i took (last Tuesday), i gave up before it even began. something i dont normally do. i take these things seriously because if i dont, i might spend an extra year here. which i do not want. i want to do good and get this done with a.s.a.p.

i really really want to snap out of this. hopefully when i get back on monday, i will. i want to forget about it all and just concentrate on this part of life. the busy boring academic part of life. in a way, i think i need to.

suddenly, im a photo enthusiast: part 2

Meryl was here last week. actually she was here since Friday the week before. but we only got to hang out on Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. well, basically every single (weekday) day last week. Saturday, she left.

from here forward, she will be known as friend. and i will start to post pictures because it's 1am, im tired but i cant sleep just yet. im so tired but i cant fall asleep.

dinner at Chilli's with Ahong and friend

nachos - the more-expensive-than-the-entree starter that got them too full for the entree

there is a very clear glass wall separating me and the outside world (i.e., where the TV and sign are). i banged my head once while trying to look at some person they were making fun of. i guess, it's called karma.

friend watching so you think you can dance. IV Real yo.

the sun setting. i love watching sunsets. it calms me down, somehow.

i like to think that i take good photos.

and friend, not so much.

dinner at Nando's. im not so brave. i'll admit to that.

a shaky photo taken by a camera standing on shaky ground. maybe this is why we need tripods. and probably an SLR.

Putrajaya at night

if you look closely, you could probably see us.

the fireworks - canon cam

the fireworks - sony cam. damn you canon. you failed me.

the people in these cars all wanted to watch the fireworks

more photos in friends cameras. i dont have them. yet.

what i like about hanging out with people i know from 7-plus years ago is the fact that they're so chill about everything, you can't help but have a good time when they're around. and i love how we don't really mind paying for each other (meal, petrol, public transport, etc) and just laugh about crap we find funny almost all the time. it's nice because it's not something i get a lot where i am now. people are somehow more serious and uptight around here. and most jokes well, fall flat.

what i dont like is how they would talk about things i dont dare talk about at 2am in the morning and then continue to talk about it some more at 5 in the morning because it was so warm we couldnt sleep while the window is wide open and my imagination is at its peak. you know what i mean, the supernatural beings. there was this story about this girl who fell off the 9th (i think) floor of a building while ascending up to her boyfriend's apartment, using (im not even kidding it was in the papers) a rope! the thing was, it happened close to where we were at and they were like talking about it and we had to go up a scary elevator 12 floors up! im not very brave. again, i'll admit to that. But still, those were the good times. good times.

also, last week was one of those test week. so, if i fail any test papers, blame these people. they made me do it!

random stuff: it's too early in the morning but i cant sleep no more

some people think that blaring out loud music from the PA system in a college dorm at 7am is cool. it's not. people are silently cursing you (maybe a group of yous) hiding there in that stupid control room, laughing, probably thinking you're awesome. you suck. it's saturday morning! it's the weekend! it's when tired kids sleep in!

yesterday for lunch, while waiting for my drink, the drink boy asked me, (pointing to an area on his chin), "kenapa merah tu?" (loosely tranlated to "why is that red?"). i was taken aback by such random question. i stupidly smiled and said "jerawat" (a zit), got my drink, paid and left. hours later, i realized that maybe he was trying to be condescending, trying to be a smart-ass and i didnt even realized until it was too late. oh well.

i wonder why some people are scared when im driving the car. some people is a lie though. it's only one person. she'll look both sides of the road everytime i come out from a corner, her head going as far as it can go, tell me it's okay to go, grab on her seat, tells me to drive slow, and reminds me sometimes that she's in the car with me. i mean, i dont think i drive that bad. i just need more experience. and the rest seems to be okay with me in the driver's seat. i mean, they're not saying anything. well, at least they're not saying anything to me. yet.

made space to install Linux uBuntu OS in my laptop. and i accidentally messed some of the directories up. when i say some, i mean all the songs in my iTunes. now, i have find all the directories and i have some 3000++ songs so it's not going to be easy. why don't i just delete them all and import them all back? well, because of the play count value. im a little obsessive that way, i guess.

suddenly, i'm a photo enthusiast: part 1

got me a new digital camera last Saturday. braved the PC Fair crowd in KLCC. there was one time when i was almost convinced that if i had stopped, i would have died, trampled by the massive crowd behind me.

but that aside, i got the camera i wanted (which i thought was a bargain. i got it about rm90 cheaper than the actually retail price) and went back happy. another friend who was with me there also got herself one. and there's this nifty smile-detection thing programmed in hers but i still think mine's better. haha. friend said mine was too bulky. i like it fine. and no, it's not an slr/dslr. it's a cheaper substitute for someone (i.e.: me) who can't afford one, yet.

well, since the camera is new, i can't help but take a lot of photos. and now, im gonna name them all.

the mirror needs some cleanin'

kl central: the crowd

ain't no ordinary torch aka broken engrish

i can see the others but im looking at you
(this is a new trick i just learned. i think it's the awesomest trick ever! if you really really want to know how, ask me. the secret is too awesome not to share. and yes, i forced them to model for me. without pay.)

i hate peas

getting away from the cracks


you cant catch me aka sushi on the run

missing the sunset

we'll become silhouettes when the sun shines down

i need to get outta here

the laughing world

one of the classes im taking, the audio/video class has the potential to become one of the most interesting classes of the year. unfortunately, the lecturer (i think he's about a million years old) teaching the class just makes the class so... i dont even know how to describe it. boring. i cant help but not want to go to the class. i mean, we're learning about music. about videos. things i thought i like. liked. maybe the class was a mistake. im just hoping it'll get better as the semester progresses. i really hope so.

a gecko fell on my left arm just now. a small one. a baby, luckily. i think i stopped breathing for about 2 seconds. people who know me long enough should know that i am not very fond of animals. and that thing that fell on my arm just then, is at the top of my "animals-i-hate" list. i shook it off, calmed my self and continued my day while trying to start breathing again. luckily my room-mate wasn't in. she doesn't really know me yet. at least not that part of me.

saturday, i think im getting myself a new digital camera. i sort of need one. sort of. i told my mom about it. she didnt sound too happy. mostly because i'll be using her money. hah. i can't wait to start earning. this depending-on-my-parents-for-cash thing is getting pretty tiring.

but actually, i can wait another year. im refusing to work now because of the workload of shit thrown at us every week. it's not easy you know. really. it's not.

im not not sure

ive been stuck in my lazy mode since last week. i just dont seem to want to do anything productive. but that's gonna change soon. in fact, i think it sort of changed yesterday. i finally sent my car to some service centre. mostly because my dad's been calling me a lot asking me about it and a friend sort of refused to ride it until i got it checked. hah. sad, i know.

so went to this place another friend recommended and changed the oil (i think) and had the tires er.. pumped? the air thing. im not sure what's the technical term is. also had it cleaned. washed the engine, the body and they even vacuumed the inside of the car! so, it's looking pretty good right now. except that all the dents are still clearly visible.

but at least i've got one less thing to worry about now.

my final year project title: iris recognition system using a standard digital camera.

it's pretty interesting. for me at least. i haven't gone through a lot though. im just gonna give about 1 month to read all about it. past research, what can be done, improve and all. then, i'll be more serious about it. hope it'll be good.

the good thing is that, now, i have a really good reason to get a new digital camera. and i already know which one i want. i just need to convince my mom and dad that i need it.

how to be better

im taking another english class this semester. it's one of those additional classes i take because this semester feels very loose, in terms of classes. the number of classes. and it doesnt feel natural that way. busy is the way, for me. i dont know how many people would believe me when i say this but i actually enjoy being busy. it keeps my head off things im not supposed to be thinking. whatever that means.

my first class was on the third week. so, i missed 2 weeks of classes. got there. waited a bit. the lecturer came. i asked her if i could still joined the class and fuh... i got quite the answer. pretty much a verbal beating. in front of the whole class. which was... not normal for me. or any college kid for that matter.

i mean, naturally, after that introduction, i should have been pissed off at her. to not like her. probably even drop the damn subject while i still could. but you know what, as strange as this may sound, i think i actually like her, as a teacher. she's such a character. interesting. honest. real. and she reminded me of someone i used to know. okay, that's a lie. she reminded me of someone i still know but never talk to as much anymore.

the reason im taking this? i dunno. okay, another lie. i know why. of course i do. i realized a couple of months ago that my spoken english sucks. big time. it seems like the things im thinking, they have to go through this internal translation mechanism before coming out in spoken words. and even after that invisible technical stuff, most the time, they come out wrong. so im hoping to improve it. practice.

yeah, i need to practice. and there's no better way than to be in an english class and be forced to speak it.

but i think they might be this one problem with this awesome strategy. the class im taking is called report writing.

holy [insert something smart here], batman!

the new batman flick was intense! heath ledger's potrayal of the joker was absolutely superb. creepy but cool at the same time. i'd like to compare him to jack nicholson's version but i cant seem to remember anything from that other batman movie. im not even sure if ive seen it or not. i remember the penguin and that catwoman though. but that was so long ago, i dont even know why they're bad. i mean, they were villains right?

but ive gotta be honest. i probably wouldn't have watched the movie if not for heath ledger. i mean, i did not watch the first (christian bale) batman movie, and having seen the dark knight, i dont think i want to. i mean, the movie was good but i probably wont have it in my favourite movies list any time soon. im really still more of a spidey fan.

the more interesting thing for me that day was probably the how we got the tickets. we got there about 2.30pm. the movie was at 3.30pm. the big screen says in boldface red "sold out". we stood in line anyway. almost defeated, and almost end up with watching some movie called war of the dragons (it's not even listed on imdb!). luckily one of my friends was an avid movie-goer and knew the tricks around it. apparently, the reservation tickets are released 30 minutes prior to the screening of the movie. reservations mean good seats. so when we got to the counter, it was 3 minutes to 3. the nice and kind lady told us to wait aside for 3 minutes before she could print the tickets out for us.

the 3 long minutes ended, we got the tickets, good seats, good company, good movie. all in all, a pretty good day.

driving is my new hobby

okay let me start with some honesty. i created this blog with one thing in mind. i was going to end my internship. get a hell lot of time to kill, write about how the whole thing made me a better person and end with a "i never thought i'd say this in a million years, but i sort of miss working." but alas, that did not happen. and by the looks of it, will not happen.

i really wanted to write about that. really. the experience was good. it was. but after spending 2 weeks of waking up late, not having to stare at some PC for 8 hours or more a day and going back to wearing faded shirts and flip-flops all the time, i dont think i miss it that much anymore. this simpler life is much much better. at least it will be until my final year project starts. but let's leave that for another day.

let's move on to the more important thing. driving. when i told a friend some time ago, that i wanted to make driving my new hobby, she told me flat out, it was a stupid. i dont remember how the rest of the conversation went, but i remember saying something about going on a roadtrip when we're both back home. me driving. it'll be cool, definitely. maybe. maybe not.

let's recap a little. after 2 weeks of driving: -
got lost: twice, hit and run: once (sort of. but i swear there were no visible scratches on the other car!!), rammed a divider: once (sort of. it was just some miscalculations. told you i wasnt any good in maths), driving with the hand brake up: once (utter embarrassment..) and getting honked at: a gazzilion times. but, i am getting better. i mean, im doing those things less and less. it means im getting better, right?

anyway, anyone who's up for some real road adventures, you know where to find me.

no title #1

writing has always been one of my hobbies (a list which includes coin collecting, reading, watching illegally downloaded movies and ceiling staring. ahh.. yes, my life is super interesting). it keeps me sane, i guess, since i dont normally say what i have in mind. which is not a good thing. but im a very bad conversationalist. i know that and am working on improving that. im pretty good at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time though.

when i ended my last blog, it was only sign that i should start a new one. a new phase of life. which is mostly true but let's keep that for next time. besides i figured that im not antisocial anymore. well, not that i ever was. i really am not. really. i just prefer being on my own sometimes. most the times. almost all the time. i mean, not like that's antisocial, right?

this new url is sort of like my homage to my favorite band. in fact, it's the title of my favorite song from this favorite band of mine. if you dont already know the band, you'll be wasting the next 5 minutes googling and reading about them. whether you want to or not. that's how curiosity works, you know. remember, the song is I Won't Be Left.

i'll be keeping this as it is for the time being. i havent got the time to actually put any effort into this. i spend most of my time (now) being a good (underpaid) intern. it's a tiring job, mind you.

so, until that is over, i guess this will have to do.

have a great weekend people. i know i will.